Los Angeles, CA – Suspicious sources confirmed this week that married and pregnant woman Lauren Calloway doesn’t actually care about life milestones, but is merely advertising these achievements in a misguided attempt to make her insufferable daily life more bearable. Sources have agreed that Lauren needs serious help. They are planning an intervention to try and teach her about the value of intimate experiences and the importance of self-realization, and that worrying about what the world thinks of her life is pointless and a sad waste of time.
Saying they first became worried about her rapid deterioration through a barrage of emails, text messages, and social media posts, Calloway’s peers told reporters that the woman is grasping for anything to make herself feel better, as if drowning and reaching for something solid, and that she’s in serious danger.
“Her wedding was 2 years ago, yet last week she kept posting photos from the ceremony on facebook. It was scary. I mean, it’s one thing to re-live a memory, it’s another thing to become obsessed by it to the detriment of your immediate life,” said Gabriella Antolla. “Then, on instagram, she posted 42 photos of her baby’s ultrasound. 42!!! It’s a fucking blurry, black-and-white image! Does she really think that people want to see that over and over again?! Or is she really that egotistical?!”
According to friends and acquaintances, Calloway’s debilitating obsession with life milestones began immediately after college, when she was able to obtain a prestigious, entry-level position at fashion agency within just weeks of graduation. “We would all be drinking wine in my apartment and laughing,” said Lauren’s friend Cara Hanson, “Making fun of each other for being unemployed or having shitty jobs, while Lauren would be in the corner taking pictures of herself. It was weird. Then, later that day, we’d see on social media a post by Lauren with the caption: Celebrating my new job with all my friends! Yet she was in the corner the whole time with her phone, ignoring everyone around her and not listening to the conversation! That’s when we knew she had a problem.”
“I usually see Lauren around the holidays, and every time she keeps telling me that her life is getting better and better,” said Calloway’s cousin Jerry Watson, 34. “Yet her face looks haggard, her plastered smile looks painful, and her voice is even more high-pitched. I want to tell her that nobody really cares if you “got your shit together” or if you’re experiencing success after success. I want to tell her that what really matters is the one-on-one with people you care about, and whether or not you respect yourself, however many times you’ve failed.”
“Hey Lauren,” Watson continued. “Are you crying on the inside? Can I help?”
Claiming that the idea of milestones “has completely consumed her life,” several of Lauren’s acquaintances noted that she hardly spends any quality time with her husband, and knows hardly anything about the lives of her “friends.” “She’s living in a hall of mirrors,” said Natalie Etson. “And I think she actually hates it.”
Several of Calloway’s closer friends have acknowledged that, because of the direct relationship they’ve observed between Lauren’s emphasis on milestones and her barren, superficial personal life, they’ve started to care less about showing the world what they’ve accomplished. “I’ve become a more private, more withdrawn person since knowing Lauren,” said Becky Garrison. “She’s shown me who I don’t want to be.”
“Even when Lauren’s mother died last summer, it was particularly horrifying,” said longtime friend Diana Longman. “She posted all these pictures of her dead mother in the casket with hashtags like: #braincancerisabitch #deathisstupid #undertakerdidagoodjob #byemom #wtf #humanexperience
“I’d like to get inside her head and figure out what the hell is going on,” continued Longman. “Because her words and actions are spread so thin her attempts at communication mean shit. It’s like I’m only there as an accessory to her social media identity. I only matter because I make her look better. Does she care about anyone at all?”
At press time, sources simultaneously looked at one another and asked, “Does anyone know where Calloway is right now?” A woman, who had only met Lauren once at a birthday party of a mutual friend 10 years prior (and had received a friend request the next day), looked down at her phone. “Lauren arrived at Whole Foods 12 minutes ago with her husband. Kumquats are on sale for $3.25 a lb.”