Friend Broadcasting Life Milestones is Actually Miserable and Scrambling for Socially-Reinforced Experiences

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Los Angeles, CA – Suspicious sources confirmed this week that married and pregnant woman Lauren Calloway doesn’t actually care about life milestones, but is merely advertising these achievements in a misguided attempt to make her insufferable daily life more bearable. Sources have agreed that Lauren needs serious help. They are planning an intervention to try and teach her about the value of intimate experiences and the importance of self-realization, and that worrying about what the world thinks of her life is pointless and a sad waste of time.

Saying they first became worried about her rapid deterioration through a barrage of emails, text messages, and social media posts, Calloway’s peers told reporters that the woman is grasping for anything to make herself feel better, as if drowning and reaching for something solid, and that she’s in serious danger.

“Her wedding was 2 years ago, yet last week she kept posting photos from the ceremony on facebook. It was scary. I mean, it’s one thing to re-live a memory, it’s another thing to become obsessed by it to the detriment of your immediate life,” said Gabriella Antolla. “Then, on instagram, she posted 42 photos of her baby’s ultrasound. 42!!! It’s a fucking blurry, black-and-white image! Does she really think that people want to see that over and over again?! Or is she really that egotistical?!”

According to friends and acquaintances, Calloway’s debilitating obsession with life milestones began immediately after college, when she was able to obtain a prestigious, entry-level position at fashion agency within just weeks of graduation. “We would all be drinking wine in my apartment and laughing,” said Lauren’s friend Cara Hanson, “Making fun of each other for being unemployed or having shitty jobs, while Lauren would be in the corner taking pictures of herself. It was weird. Then, later that day, we’d see on social media a post by Lauren with the caption: Celebrating my new job with all my friends! Yet she was in the corner the whole time with her phone, ignoring everyone around her and not listening to the conversation! That’s when we knew she had a problem.”

“I usually see Lauren around the holidays, and every time she keeps telling me that her life is getting better and better,” said Calloway’s cousin Jerry Watson, 34. “Yet her face looks haggard, her plastered smile looks painful, and her voice is even more high-pitched. I want to tell her that nobody really cares if you “got your shit together” or if you’re experiencing success after success. I want to tell her that what really matters is the one-on-one with people you care about, and whether or not you respect yourself, however many times you’ve failed.”

“Hey Lauren,” Watson continued. “Are you crying on the inside? Can I help?”

Claiming that the idea of milestones “has completely consumed her life,” several of Lauren’s acquaintances noted that she hardly spends any quality time with her husband, and knows hardly anything about the lives of her “friends.” “She’s living in a hall of mirrors,” said Natalie Etson. “And I think she actually hates it.”

Several of Calloway’s closer friends have acknowledged that, because of the direct relationship they’ve observed between Lauren’s emphasis on milestones and her barren, superficial personal life, they’ve started to care less about showing the world what they’ve accomplished. “I’ve become a more private, more withdrawn person since knowing Lauren,” said Becky Garrison. “She’s shown me who I don’t want to be.”

“Even when Lauren’s mother died last summer, it was particularly horrifying,” said longtime friend Diana Longman. “She posted all these pictures of her dead mother in the casket with hashtags like: #braincancerisabitch #deathisstupid #undertakerdidagoodjob #byemom #wtf #humanexperience

“I’d like to get inside her head and figure out what the hell is going on,” continued Longman. “Because her words and actions are spread so thin her attempts at communication mean shit. It’s like I’m only there as an accessory to her social media identity. I only matter because I make her look better. Does she care about anyone at all?”

At press time, sources simultaneously looked at one another and asked, “Does anyone know where Calloway is right now?” A woman, who had only met Lauren once at a birthday party of a mutual friend 10 years prior (and had received a friend request the next day), looked down at her phone. “Lauren arrived at Whole Foods 12 minutes ago with her husband. Kumquats are on sale for $3.25 a lb.”


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Breaking News: Existence of Rainbow Trees Blows Mind Of Man Who Believed His Capacity To Wonder Was Lost

Fort Dodge, Kansas: Morris Tremaine, a 76 year old retired, disgruntled accountant living alone in one of the least populated cities in America, believed he had seen it all. But last week while flipping through an abandoned book in a dilapidated diner, Morris came across Eucalyptus deglupta, or rainbow trees:
rainbow 3

These trees are the only Eucalyptus which extend into the northern hemisphere. They grow in New Britain, New Guinea, Hawaii, and the Philippines. Their rainbow colors on the trunk occur because patches of the outer bark shed annually at different times. The inner, bright green bark darkens and matures to give blue, maroon, red, orange, and purple tones.

On a path by Arenal Observatory Lodge

Morris was unexpectedly astounded at this discovery. He flashed back to his childhood days when he enjoyed coloring books. He remembered drawing a rainbow tree and his father saying, “What the hell are you doing, you little fairy? Tree trunks are brown. Now here’s a BB gun and go play outside and shoot some birds.” For 70 years, Morris never knew that something like rainbow trees could possibly exist. “What other crazy shit is out there in the world that I don’t know about?” he asked. Flying elephants? Velvet plants? Talking rocks?” At the time of this interview, Morris was holding a one-way plane ticket to the Philippines. When asked about his specific plans, Morris replied that he didn’t have any. His last comment to the interviewer was, “Even though I’m almost dead, I guess it’s never too late to go explorin’.”


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Report: Man Discovers Meaning of Life While Scrolling Through Facebook Newsfeed

McDowell County, West Virginia – A groundbreaking psychological study in the intellectual Mecca of the United States has recently shed light on one of Philosophy’s most puzzling questions. Dr. Chase Sampson, renowned psychologist and 2009 participant in ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire,’ traveled to McDowell County last month with twenty five laptops and a lofty, ambitious goal. He hired thirty five eager and unemployed citizens of McDowell Country to spend eight hours a day scrolling through randomized, Facebook Newsfeeds. Sampson meticulously observed and recorded all of their reactions, everything from growls and cries to laughter and sighs. This past Tuesday Sampson’s work finally paid off. A man by the name of Jesse Beler, a laid off miner, unaccountably stood up from his laptop, burst into tears, then began shouting: “IT’S ALL JUST…JUST…A RIDICULOUS GAME…A SILLY, RIDICULOUS GAME,” then ran out of the abandoned gas station which was being used as a controlled environment for the axiom-shattering experiment. Sampson plans to publish his finding in the prestigious, “Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology,” sometime in the next six months. Jesse Beler was not available for comment. He is believed to be somewhere in the wilderness of Northern Canada, half-naked and searching for food.


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Regular at Dive Bar with Habitual Chuckle May Be a Serial Killer or a Sweetheart

NEW YORK, NY – John Walter, a bartender at The Crass Slap for the past 10 years, has seen many patrons come and go. But one regular who has stood the test of time and caused much pause for thought is Robby, also know as Rob the Slob. Everyday at 6 o’clock Robby shuffles into the bar wearing layers of tattered, smelly coats, sits in the farthest seat, and orders two shots of whisky and a pint of lager. He doesn’t talk to anyone and he likes to smile. Whenever someone has attempted to initiate conversation he invariably begins nodding his head and chuckling. Sometimes, Rob the Slob will chuckle when a bartender says something funny, or if a waitress passes by and says, “How ya doin’ honey?” but often he will chuckle for no apparent reason. Members of the staff have given up trying to learn about his past and have various theories: “I think he has a pile of dead bodies in a freezer in his apartment,” said a haughty, single-mother waitress. “I think the love of his life died when he was a young man and he just hasn’t fully recovered,” said an aspiring actress. “I bet he used to be a drug lord, made a ton of money, dipped into his own stash too much, then became brain dead,” said the portly chef. “The bastard pays, so I don’t give a shit,” said the owner. But one thing the entire staff can agree upon is that, despite drooling on his coats and his unshaven and untidy appearance, Robby has never caused a disturbance, always says a gracious thank you when served, pushes his chair in carefully when he leaves, and tips very well. John Walter, when interviewed, said, “Sometimes I have nightmares of Robby chuckling over my sleeping body and murdering me in my sleep. Other times I imagine him running in front of a bus and risking his life to save a little girl. For the sake of my own sanity and well-being, I’m just gonna assume he’s more inclined to the latter.”


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Report: Friend has been going by nickname for years when it is categorically different from his real name

New York, NY – Flabbergasted that it had never come up at any point in the five years of knowing each other Victoria Saya, 25, reported Wednesday that her close friend, Jack Kasnitch, has been going by a fake name this whole fucking time. “I remember thinking, wait a second, Jack’s real name is actually John? What the fuck?! That’s completely different. The two names only share one letter. What a lying sack of shit!” Saya was alerted to her friend’s deception while going through his wallet as a joke. Her discovery of his license, which revealed his true identity, sent her down a dizzying spiral of puzzling questions ranging from, “Why not just go by John? Are you telling me you’ve filled out thousands of documents ranging from applications to standardized tests with the name ‘John,’ when nobody even calls you that? Why didn’t your parents just name you Jack instead? It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.” John/Jack tried to explain that his parents had only named him John as a formality, but had planned to call him Jack for his entire life. Victoria couldn’t understand. “So wait, are you fucking telling me that almost every teacher and employer you’ve ever had has started calling you John, and that you’ve had to correct them each time? And that you don’t even respond or turn your head if someone says, ‘Hey John?'” “Yes.” “This doesn’t make any sense. What should I call you now?” “Jack.” “But that’s not what your birth certificate says! Why haven’t you changed it? I’m so confused. I don’t think we can be friends anymore. I don’t even know who you are.”
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