Chapter Two: Sorted Into Slytherin

Sorted-Into-Slytherin-1

            The door swung open at once. A tall, black-haired witch in emerald-green robes stood there. She had a very stern face and Harry’s first thought was that this was not someone to mess with.

            “The firs’-years, Professor McGonagall,” said Hagrid.            

            “Thank you, Hagrid. I will take them from here.”

            She pulled the door wide. The Entrance Hall was so big you could have fitted the whole of the Dursley’s house in it. The stone walls were lit with flaming torches like the ones at Gringotts, the ceiling was too high to make out, and a magnificent marble staircase facing them led to the upper floors.

            They followed Professor McGonagall across the flagged stone floor. Harry could hear the drone of hundreds of voices from a doorway to the right – the rest of the school must already be here – but Professor McGonagall showed the first years into a small empty chamber off the hall. They crowded in, standing rather closer together than they would usually have done, peering about nervously.

            “Welcome to Hogwarts,” said Professor McGonagall. “The start-of-term banquet will begin shortly, but before you take your seats in the Great Hall, you will be sorted into your houses. The Sorting is a very important ceremony because, while you are here, your house will be something like your family within Hogwarts. You will have classes with the rest of your house, sleep in your house dormitory and spend free time in your house common room.

            “The four houses are called Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. Each house has its own noble history and each has produced outstanding witches and wizards. While you are at Hogwarts, your triumphs will earn your house points, while any rule-breaking will lose house points. At the end of the year, the house with the most points is awarded the House Cup, a great honor. I hope each of you will be credit to whichever house becomes yours.”

            “The Sorting Ceremony will take place in a few minutes in front of the rest of the school. I suggest you all smarten yourself up as much as you can while you are waiting.” Harry saw Draco slick his blond hair back with his hand. Vincent’s cloak was wrinkled and fastened under his right ear while Gregory’s cloak was covered in chocolate stains. Harry nervously tried to flatten his hair.

            “I shall return when we are ready for you,” said Professor McGonagall. “Please wait quietly.”

            As she left the chamber, Draco whispered, “Another Muggle-lover, I bet. Talks like she’s got a unicorn horn up her-” Vincent and Gregory chuckled loudly before Harry could hear the punch line. He didn’t like that Draco was insulting their new teacher, who seemed severe but also just. Harry swallowed.

            “So you said there’s an old hat that they use for the sorting? How?”

            “It’s some sort of test.”

            Harry’s heart gave a horrible jolt. A test? In front of the whole school? But he didn’t know any magic yet – what on earth would he have to do? He hadn’t expected something like this the moment they arrived. He looked around anxiously and saw that everyone else looked terrified too. He saw the girl, Hermione, standing next to the tall, gangly, red-headed boy and talking animatedly. The red-headed boy nodded and smiled, but then frowned and looked like he was about to puke. Harry tried to listen, and he heard snippets of Hermione whispering about all the spells she’d learnt and wondering which one she’d need. Harry stopped listening. He’d never been more nervous, never not even when he’d had to take a school report home to the Dursleys saying that he’d somehow turned his teacher’s chalk into a garden snake. He kept his eyes fixed on the door. Any second now, Professor McGonagall would come back and lead him to his doom.

            Then something happened which made him jump about a foot in the air – several people behind him screamed.

            “What the – ?”

            He gasped. So did the people around him. About twenty ghosts had just streamed through the back wall. Pearly-white and slightly transparent, they glided across the room talking to each other and hardly glancing at the first-years. They seemed to be arguing. What looked like a fat little monk was saying, ‘Forgive and forget, I say, we ought to give him a second chance-”

            “My dear Friar, haven’t we given Peeves all the chances he deserves? He gives us all a bad name and you know, he’s not really a ghost – I say, what are you all doing here?”

            A ghost wearing a ruff and tights had suddenly noticed the first-years.

            Nobody answered.

            “New students!” said the Fat Friar, smiling around at them. “About to be sorted, I suppose?”

            A few people nodded mutely.

            “Hope to see you in Hufflepuff!” said the Friar. “My old house, you know.”

            “Move along now,” said a sharp voice. “The Sorting Ceremony’s about to start.”

            Professor McGonagall had returned. One by one, the ghosts floated away through the opposite wall.

            “Now, form a line,” Professor McGonagall told the first-years, “and follow me.”

            Feeling oddly as though his legs had turned to lead, Harry got behind Vincent and Draco and they walked out of the chamber, back across the hall and through a pair of double doors into the Great Hall.

            Harry had never even imagined such a strange and splendid place. It was lit by thousands and thousands of candles which were floating in mid-air over four long tables, where the rest of the students were sitting. These tables were laid with glittering golden plates and goblets. At the top of the Hall was another long table where the teachers were sitting. Professor McGonagall led the first-years up here, so that they came to a halt in a line facing the other students, with the teachers behind them. The hundreds of faces staring at them looked like pale lanterns in the flickering candlelight. Dotted here and there among the students, the ghosts shone misty silver. Mainly to avoid all the staring eyes, Harry looked upwards and saw a velvety black ceiling dotted with stars. He heard Draco whisper to Vincent, “It’s not actually the sky, you stupid troll spawn, it’s only bewitched to look like that.”

            It was hard to believe there was a ceiling there at all, and that the Great Hall didn’t simply open on to the heavens. Harry whispered to Vincent, “I thought it was the real sky too,” and Malfoy smirked. 

            Harry quickly looked down again as Professor McGonagall silently placed a four-legged stool in front of the first-years. On top of the stool she put a pointed wizard’s hat. This hat was patched and frayed and extremely dirty. Aunt Petunia wouldn’t have let it in the house.

            Maybe they had to try and get a rabbit out of it, Harry thought wildly, that seemed the sort of thing – noticing that everyone in the Hall was now staring at the hat, he stared at it too. For a few seconds, there was completely silence. Then the hat twitched. A rip near the brim opened wide like a mouth – and the hat began to sing.

Oh I may not be the cleanest hat

Or the most good-looking wizard’s cap

But when I’m on top of your head to sit

You will understand my exceptional wit!

Keep your boaters and chic berets

Especially fedoras, keep those away

For I’m the Sorting Hat of this wizarding school

And I have never been anyone’s fool!

There’s nothing hidden in your mind

The Sorting Hat cannot know or find

So try me on and I’ll announce

Where you should be, your Hogwart’s house!

You might belong in Slytherin

The house for those with ambition

[Draco nudged Harry, nodded, and smiled.]

Enduring all struggles to achieve their ends

If you’re cunning and ruthless, these are your friends!

[“I know you’ll get in, Harry,” said Draco. Harry felt nervous. Draco put his hand affectionately on Harry’s shoulder, felt Draco’s hand shaking, and for the first time Harry thought Draco wasn’t that bad.]

Or you might belong in Hufflepuff

Who shine the brightest when the going gets tough 

They are loyal and patient, just and true

If you’re quiet and kind, this House’s for you!

Or maybe you’ll be in Ravenclaw

If your reasoning mind’s without a flaw

For those of wit and who love to learn

Choose this house when it’s your turn!

And last we come to Gryffindor

The brave of heart who…[Draco said something to Harry which he couldn’t hear, and which distracted him]…explore

Their daring and…Harry whispered, “Be quiet Draco!”

…the house to choose!

So put me on! Don’t be scared.

I promise you, you are prepared.

You’re safe with me, even though I can’t move.

I’m a Thinking Hat! With nothing to prove!

The whole Hall burst into applause as the hat finished its song. It bowed to each of the four tables and then became quite still again. 

“So my father was right,” said Draco. “We’ve just got to go and try on the hat. This’ll be a piece of cauldron cake.”

Harry smiled weakly. Yes, trying on the hat was a lot better than having to do a spell, but he did wish they could have tried it on without everyone watching. The hat seemed to be asking rather a lot; Harry didn’t feel ambitious or patient or witty or any of it at the moment. If only the hat had mentioned a house for people who felt a bit queasy, that would have been the one for him.

Professor McGonagall now stepped forward holding a long roll of parchment.

“When I call your name, you will put on the hat and sit on the stool to be sorted,” she said. “Abbott, Hannah!”

A pink-faced girl with blonde pigtails stumbled out of line, put on the hat, which fell right down over her eyes, and sat down. A moment’s pause – 

“HUFFLEPUFF!” shouted the hat.

The table on the right cheered and clapped as Hannah went to sit down at the Hufflepuff table. Harry saw the ghost of the Fat Friar waving merrily at her.

“Bones, Susan!”

“Hufflepuff!” shouted the hat again, and Susan scuttled off to sit next to Hannah. Harry thought maybe he’d like to join Hufflepuff, since it seemed to be the most popular house so far and the girls who were chosen looked pretty nice.

“Boot, Terry!”

“RAVENCLAW!”

The table second from the left clapped this time, several Ravenclaws stood up to shake hands with Terry as he joined them. “Brocklehurst, Mandy” went to Ravenclaw then “Bulstrode, Millicent,” went to Slytherin. Perhaps it was Harry’s nervous imagination, but the Slytherin table didn’t look very pleasant. But didn’t Draco say it was the best house?

“Crabbe, Vincent.” Next to Harry, Vincent didn’t move. Everyone started to look around. Professor McGonagall coughed into her hand.

“Crabbe, Vincent,” the hat repeated. Harry gently prodded Vincent, saying, “That’s you.” 

“Oh, um, yeah.” Crabbe lumbered to the sorting hat.

“SLYTHERIN.” Crabbe went to the Slytherin table and gave Harry a trembling thumbs up.

Harry was starting to feel definitely sick now. He remembered being picked for teams during sports lessons at his old school. He had always been last to be chosen, not because he was no good, but because no one wanted Dudley to think they liked him.

“Goyle, Gregory!”

Sometimes, Harry noticed, the hat shouted out the house at once (as it did for Vincent), but at others it took a little while to decide. Gregory sat on the stool for almost a whole minute before the hat declared him a Slytherin.

“Granger, Hermione!”

Hermione almost ran to the stool and jammed the hat eagerly on her head.

“GRYFFINDOR!” shouted the hat. Harry felt a twisting sensation in his stomach.

A horrible thought struck Harry, as horrible thoughts always do when you’re very nervous. What if he wasn’t chosen at all? What if he just sat there with the hat over his eyes for ages, until Professor McGonagall jerked it off his head and said there had obviously been a mistake and he’d better get back on the train? Harry didn’t care which house he was in, as long as he could stay here. Harry lost track of time until he heard,

“Malfoy, Draco!” Malfoy swaggered forward and got his wish at once: the hat had barely touched his head when it screamed, “SLYTHERIN!” Malfoy went to join Crabbe and Goyle, looking pleased with himself, then he stared at Harry, mouthing the words, “You can do it.”

There weren’t many people left now.

“Moon’…Nott…Parkinson….then a pair of twin girls, Patil and Patil…then ‘Perks, Sally-Anne, and then, at last – 

“Potter, Harry!”

As Harry stepped forward, whispers suddenly broke out like little hissing fires all over the hall.

Potter, did she say?”

The Harry Potter?”

The last thing Harry saw before the hat dropped over his eyes was the hall full of people craning to get a good look at him. Next second he was looking at the black inside of the hat. He waited.

“Hmmm, said a small voice in his ear. “Difficult. Very difficult. Plenty of courage, I see. Not a bad mind, either. There’s talent, oh my goodness, yes – and a nice thirst to prove yourself, a burning ambition, now that’s interesting … So where shall I put you?” Harry gripped the edges of the stool and remembered the train ride, Draco saying, And how we can get into Slytherin, then he remembered the Salazar Slytherin Chocolate Frog card, lucky you! He’s rare. It must be a sign. You’ll definitely be in Slytherin house. Harry then imagined the Slytherin table, and Malfoy being annoying, and Hagrid saying all of Voldemort’s followers were in Slytherin…

“Uncertain about Slytherin, eh?” said the small voice. 

“Yeah,” Harry thought, “I don’t know which house to…to…”

“You could be great, you know, it’s all here in your head, and Slytherin will help you on the way to greatness, no doubt about that.”

“Really?” Harry didn’t know much else about any of the other houses, and his three friends from the train had already gone to Slytherin. Harry remembered Draco putting his hand on his shoulder and Vincent giving him the trembling thumbs up. He remembered all the advice Malfoy gave him on the train, and him saying, I’ll know you’ll get in…

“Oh, and what do we have here, you’re a parseltongue!”

“A what?”

“You can talk to snakes?”

“I can?”

“Yes, you can, hmmm, very interesting, very interesting indeed…” Harry remembered talking to the snake at the zoo on Dudley’s birthday. He thought that had been his imagination. “You know,” said the hat, “Salazar Slytherin was a parseltongue too.”

“Yeah, I read that on his Chocolate Frog card.”

“Very powerful wizards have been in Slytherin house…wizards who have changed the world. And you happen to have many qualities that Salazar prized in his hand-picked students: resourcefulness, determination, a certain disregard for rules. So what’s it going to be?” Harry furrowed his brow and tried to reflect. He must have been sitting on the stool for over two minutes.

“Er – maybe, Slytherin, I guess, but-”

“SLYTHERIN!”

Harry heard the hat shout the last word to the whole Hall. He took off the hat and walked shakily towards the Slytherin table. He was so relieved to have been chosen to be in a house at all, he hardly noticed that beyond the gruff shouts and hoots of congratulations from the Slytherin table, the rest of the Hall was deathly silent. The other tables stared in what seemed like a terrified awe, and it seemed to Harry that some of the other students were frightened of him. “We got Potter! We got Potter!” shouted Draco as he menacingly gestured his fist towards the other houses. Harry sat down opposite a ghost with blank staring eyes, a gaunt face, and robes stained with silver blood. “Meet the Bloody Baron, Harry,” said Draco.

“Hi – er – Bloody Baron,” the ghost replied with a guttural, “aarrhhhggg.”

He could see the High Table properly now. At the end farthest away from him sat Hagrid, who caught his eye and looked at him with a curious frown. And there, in the center of the High Table, in a large gold chair, sat Albus Dumbledore. Harry recognized him at once from one of Draco’s Chocolate Frog cards on the train. Dumbledore’s silver hair was the only thing in the whole Hall that shone as brightly as the ghosts. He was also looking at Harry with a curious frown. Harry spotted Professor Quirrel, too, the nervous young man from the Leaky Cauldron. He was looking very peculiar in a large purple turban, and he smiled at Harry in a bizarre, almost frenzied-like way.

And now there were only three people left to be sorted. ‘Turpin, Lisa became a Ravenclaw and then it was the boy from the train, Ron’s turn. After Ron was sorted into Gryffindor the last name was called,

“Zabini, Blaise,” a haughty looking boy with high cheekbones and long, slanting eyes approached the hat. Draco whispered to Harry, “His mom’s famous.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, wickedly beautiful and filthy rich too, some kind of witch model. She’s been married five times and each of her husbands died mysteriously, leaving her mounds of gold.”

“Oh…”

“He’d be a good person to know if-”

“SLYTHERIN!” The Slytherin table cheered and Draco elbowed Harry and winked. “Sit next to us Blaise!” Professor McGonagall rolled up her scroll and took the Sorting Hat away.

Harry looked down at his empty gold plate. He had only just realized how hungry he was. The pumpkin pasties seemed ages ago.

Albus Dumbledore had got to his feet. He was beaming at the students, his arms opened wide, as if nothing could have pleased him more than to see them all here.

“Welcome!” he said, “Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Tweak! Oddment! Blubber! Nitwit!”

“Thank you!”

He sat back down. All the tables except Slytherin’s table clapped and cheered. Harry didn’t know whether to laugh or not, and started to clap, but Draco stopped him.

“Is he – a bit mad?” asked Harry.

“Mad?” said Draco accusingly. “He’s completely insane. My father thinks he’s the worst thing that ever happened to this place. But we’ll talk about him later, he’s probably listening. Slow down Goyle you’re going to choke on something.”

Harry’s mouth fell open. The dishes in front of him were now piled with food. He had never seen so many things he liked to eat on one table: filet mignon, buttered lobster, spicy buffalo chicken wings, Mikey special pizza slices, garlic break sticks, coconut fried shrimp, buttermilk pancakes, pure maple syrup, pineapple fried rice, juicy hamburgers, bottles of siracha, and, for some strange reason, a black and green can of Monster’s energy drink.

The Dursleys had never exactly starved Harry, but he’d never been allowed to eat as much as he liked. Dudley had always taken anything that Harry really wanted, even if it made him sick. Harry piled his plate with a bit of everything except the vegetables and began to eat. It was all delicious.

“Stuff ya soft face ya greedy pig,” said the Bloody Baron, watching Harry rip the meat off a chicken wing.

“Can’t you-”

“I haven’t eaten for nearly six hundred years,” said the ghost. “Don’t need to, of course, makes me sick watching you all gorge yourselves.”

“Then why don’t you leave?” asked Malfoy. “Nobody’s stopping you. Float away.”

“We ghosts gotta be here,” leered the baron. Harry stared at his blood-soaked robes.

“How’d your robes get all bloody?” The baron let out a wheezing, raspy chuckle.

“That story’s for anudder day. Too violent for kids like yourselves.”

When everyone had eaten as much as they could, the remains of the food faded from the plates, leaving them sparkling clean as before. A moment later the deserts appeared. Strawberry cheesecake, cookie dough ice cream, chocolate lava cakes, peanut butter pies, chocolate chip cookies, caramel creams…

As Harry helped himself to a chocolate lava cake, mixing the piping-hot chocolate sauce with french vanilla ice cream, the talk turned to their families.

“I’m pure blood back two hundred years,” said Draco. “I think there’s a crazy aunt who married a Muggle two hundred years ago, but we burned her off the family tree.”

“Never met my dad,” said Blaise, but based on what I know about him, I think he might have been a Muggle…” The table went awkwardly silent.

“Anyway…” said Malfoy while widening his eyes, shaking his head, and glancing at everyone knowingly except Blaise, “There aren’t many 100% pure blood families left.”

“My family’s pure back one-hundred years,” said Millicent.

“Not bad Milly,” said Draco, “Not too bad.” She blushed and looked down.

“You think classes gonna be difficult?” asked Vincent. “My dad says I’ll probably fail out. I’m worried.” Harry put his arm around Vincent’s shoulder. “I’m worried too, Vincent. We’ll help each other.”

“Well all I care about is learning the dark arts. Most of the other courses, charms, transfiguration, care of magical creatures, are a big waste of time.”

Harry, who was starting to feel warm and sleepy, looked up at the High Table again. Hagrid was drinking deeply from his goblet and listening to Dumbledore, who was whispering in his ear and glancing at Harry. Professor McGonagall seemed to also be listening and looking in Harry’s direction. Professor Quirrell, in his absurd turban, was talking to a teacher with greasy black hair, a hooked nose and sallow skin.

It happened very suddenly. The hook-nosed teacher looked past Quirrell’s turban straight into Harry’s eyes – and a sharp, hot pain shot across the scar on Harry’s forehead.

“Ouch!” Harry clapped a hand to his head.

“Shut up Harry,” said Draco, “I was telling a story. So I was flying around my manor on my uncle’s broom when-”

The pain had gone as quickly as it had come. Harder to shake off was the feeling Harry had got from the teacher’s look – a feeling that he didn’t like Harry at all.

“Who’s that teacher talking to Professor Quirrell,” he asked the Slytherin prefect named Walter.

“Oh, you know Quirrell already, do you? No wonder he’s looking so nervous, that’s Professor Snape. He teaches Potions, but he doesn’t want to – everyone knows he’s after Quirrell’s job. Knows an awful lot about the Dark Arts, Snape.”

“My dad knows him, Harry,” Draco interrupted his story. “I’ll tell you everything I know about him later.”

“Thanks.” Harry watched Snape for a while but Snape didn’t look at him again.

At last, the deserts disappeared and Professor Dumbledoor got to his feet again. The Hall fell silent.

“Ahem – just a few more words now we are all fed and watered. I have a few start-of-term notices to give you.

“First-years should note that the forest in the grounds is forbidden to all pupils. And a few of our older students would do well to remember that as well.”

Dumbledore’s twinkling eyes flashed in the direction of a red-headed twins seated at the Gryffindor table. 

“I have also been asked by Mr. Filch, the caretaker, to remind you all that no magic should be used between classes in the corridors.

“Quidditch trials will be held in the second week of term. Anyone interested in playing for their house teams should contact Madam Hooch.”

“I’m definitely trying out,” whispered Draco.

“You can’t,” said Walter, “first-years aren’t allowed.”

“What? No way. That’s no fair. What if-”

“Shhh!”

“And finally,” Dumbledoor continued, “I must tell you that this year, the third-floor corridor on the right-hand side is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a very painful death.

Harry laughed, but he was one of the few who did.

“He’s not serious?” he muttered to Walter.

“Must be,” said Walter, frowning at Dumbledoor. “It’s odd, because he usually gives us a reason why we’re not allowed to go somewhere – the forest’s full of dangerous beats, everyone knows that. I do think he might have told us Prefects, at least.”

“I told you he’s insane,” added Draco.

“And now, before we go to bed, let us sing the school song!” cried Dumbledoor. Harry noticed that the other teachers’ smiles had become rather fixed.

Dumbledoor gave his wand a little flick as if he was trying to get a fly off the end and a long golden ribbon flew out of it, which rose high above the tables and twisted itself snake-like into words.

“Everyone pick their favorite tune,” said Dumbledoor, “and off we go!”And the school bellowed:

“Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy warty Hogwarts

Teach us something we insist,

Even if we’re boring and dull

We’ll listen and try to get the gist

Our heads could do with some new things

Interesting facts and new equations

For now they’re empty and full of space

Limited thoughts with no variations

So teach us things we’ll never forget

Bring back the wisdom we don’t remember

Just say some words, we’ll understand

And learn until our minds surrender

Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only the red-headed twins were left singing along to a very slow funeral march. Dumbledore conducted their last few lines with his wand, and when they had finished, he was one of those who clapped the loudest.

“Ah, music,” he said, wiping his eyes, “A magic beyond all we do here!” And now, bedtime. Off you trot!”

The Slytherin first-years followed Walter through the chattering crowds, out of the Great Hall, then to a passage on left.

“Where are we going?” asked Harry

“Down to the dungeons,” replied Walter. They walked down stone steps into the darkness. Harry’s legs were like lead again, but only because he was so tired and full of food. He felt sleepy as they walked deeper and deeper under the school. After a quarter of an hour of moving through a labyrinth of passages, they arrived at a stretch of bare, damp stone wall.

“Pure-blood,” said Walter, and a door concealed in the wall slid open. They all scrambled through and found themselves in a long, low underground room with rough stone walls. On the ceiling were greenish lamps hanging on chains. A fire was crackling under an elaborately carved mantelpiece ahead of them, and several Slytherins were silhouetted around it in the carved chairs.

“The Slytherin common room,” said Walter. He directed the girls through a passageway on the left and the boys through another passageway at the far end of the room. At the end of another stone hallway they found their beds at last: king-sized mattresses floating three feet above the stone floor, with translucent curtains waving around the beds. 

“Wow, look at this,” Draco said as he touched the curtain around his bed. Whenever he tugged the curtain, it turned from clear to black. 

“For privacy,” said Walter. Their trunks had already been brought down. Too tired to talk much, they pulled on their pajamas and fell into bed, playing with the curtains.

“Now you see me, now you don’t, now you see me, now you don’t” chortled Malfoy. 

“Aren’t you clever,” said Harry.

“Hey, it’s fun.” Harry could tell that Malfoy was in a good, hyper mood. “Maybe this place is as interesting as Durmstrang. At least the food’s good, right? Hah! Look! Crabbe and Goyle are already passed out. Like giant babies. Wake up giant baby!” Malfoy tried to poke Vincent in the face, but his wand couldn’t pass through the curtain.

“Guess you’ll have to wait to be an annoying git in the morning,” said Harry.

“Real funny Potter.” Harry was going to ask Draco if he’d had any of the spicy buffalo wings, because he felt mouth still burning, but he fell asleep almost at once.

Perhaps Harry had eaten a bit too much, because he had a very strange dream. He was wearing Professor Quirrell’s turban, which kept talking to him in soothing tones, saying, Welcome Harry, I’m glad you’re in Slytherin, you were meant to be here, it’s your destiny. Harry told the turban that he only chose Slytherin because that’s all he really knew, that Draco was his friend and that he wanted to be a great wizard. The turban got heavier and heavier; he tried to pull it off but it tightened painfully – and there was Malfoy, crying while he struggled with it – then Malfoy turned into the hook-nosed teacher, Snape, whose laugh became high and cold – there was burst of green light and Harry woke, sweating and shaking.He looked around the dungeon and no one else was awake. He poked the curtain so that it was black and completely silent, so that he was lying in a void-like space. Then he rolled over and fell asleep again, and when he woke next day, he didn’t remember the dream at all.

Subscribe below:

Project Hail Mary Review: Taking Hard Sci-Fi To The Neighboring Stars

Spoiler Free Review (3.5 minute read):

(Traduction française ci-dessous)

Feeling emotions while reading a book requires a suspension of belief and a break from your physical surroundings. You have to let go of where you are, your problems, your baby basset hound whining on the couch, and become lost and consumed in the story. Or else you’re just a person sitting there holding a pile of neatly-organized paper. 

For biographers, memoirists, and nonfiction writers the process of suspending belief is less of a challenge than for Fantasy and Sci-Fi writers. The reader trusts that the contents of the book actually happened in reality, thus giving weight and drama to the events in the narrative. 

But a Sci-Fi/Fantasy writer is not only working against the inherent challenge of suspending a reader’s belief from their reality, but they have to instill a new reality with new rules that the reader will accept, spiritually buy into, and consciously follow.

How did Joanne Rowling sell half a billion Harry Potter books? Yes, the characters are great/enduring, the plots are exciting, the writing is solid, and the ideas are fascinating…but she also grounded the magical world as firmly as she could in a reality similar to our own. There’s a magical government, a magical bank, a magical transportation system. In an interview on her writing process Joanne admitted that one of her major challenges in constructing Harry Potter’s world was not creating the instances of magic or the fantastical powers of witches and wizards, but creating the constraints in the magical world that controlled and gave tension to the magical elements/events.

Too many fantasy and Sci-Fi books ignore how important constraints are to creating tension and drama. Why do readers desire constraints in their stories? One reason is because we battle with constraints every day of our lives. Our #1 constraint? We want to do things in life yet we’re perpetually decaying and the clock is ticking. Books help teach us what we want, who we are, and what to do in this brief flicker of existence. The best books don’t waste our precious time. Neither Joanne Rowling nor Andy Weir waste their reader’s time. Andy is a master of using Sci-Fi constraints and a leader in the Hard Sci-Fi genre.

Andy Weir is doing for Sci-Fi what Joanne Rowling did for fantasy. He grounds the narrative as much as possible in reality to add depth and drama to the story. But while Joanne grounded her world with social constructs similar to a human society, Andy grounds his world in scientific concepts and the natural laws of the universe. You learn scientific and space things while reading his books. You learn how solid objects, when you analyze them in the “teeny, tiny realm,” are actually more like thick jungles than brick walls.

What makes The Martian, Andy’s first book (which was a smash and made into a blockbuster Ridley Scott movie) so compelling is that he deeply researched the science and made it as accurate as possible (an exception being the sand storm/wind force on Mars in the beginning…Mar’s wind has high velocity but low force, Andy said he deliberately sacrificed accuracy for dramatic purposes in this case). He wanted to answer the question: how could a human survive on Mars? He crowd-sourced the writing process on his blog and received feedback from loyal readers/needling nerds on whether or not he got the science right. He’d write a chapter, research for three months, then write another. The process worked. He put the book on Amazon (at the insistence of his readers) for the cheapest price possible (.99, he didn’t need the money, he’d been software engineer for 20 years) and soon after the book skyrocketed (pun intended) in popularity. (Within a week he received a call from a literary agent for a book deal and another call saying the movie rights had been sold. Andy said it was a good week.)

“Finally..the publishing world…gives a shit…finally…I can go…home…”

But he also kept The Martian‘s plot grounded in reality and constrained. I saw an interview of Andy where he mentioned that he never wanted any “lightning strike conflict moments” to happen to his character. A “lightning strike conflict moment” is when a character is doing something and then BAM-OUCH-SIZZLE, out-of-the-blue thing arrives that causes a problem. This doesn’t feel satisfying to the reader. So Andy had each new problem/challenge that happened to his character (poor Mark Watney) be born out of the character’s previous solution to a previous problem. Through this technique you more deeply feel the character’s struggle. 

Andy is well-read in the Sci Fi Genre (he grew up reading the Sci Fi classics Asimov, Heinlein, and Clarke) and he is passionate about NASA and space science. Just as Joanne Rowling spent five years creating the Harry Potter world so that the reader feels like the story teller knows everything about the magical world, Andy Weir has spent his lifetime learning about NASA and space travel, so the reader feels an expertness behind the narrative. What’s funny is that Andy is scared to fly on planes.

Andy asks the questions in his three books: what is possible on Mars, what is possible on the Moon, and what is possible in space travel + neighboring star hopping, given the constraints? 

Andy is extremely intelligent, but never condescending. He boils down complex, scientific ideas into simple statements, not to show how smart he is (I don’t think cares whether or not you think he’s smart) but because he sincerely enjoys sharing the discovery. He spends months researching the science behind a specific detail that might be one sentence in the book. He is also funny, making light-hearted jokes that often stare death/the void of space in the face.

There are writers who love to write and who have stories they must express and there are writers who do it for a living even though they have nothing more to say (85% of published books). Andy was laid off by AOL fifteen ago and with an ample severance package spent three years trying to find a literary agent to publish a book he was writing. He received only rejections. He thought: “Well, I tried,” and went back to being a software engineer who wrote code. But he loved writing, so he kept at it, publishing stories on his blog. That’s when he created The Martian (one of the three books that he was writing simultaneously at the time…another was about mermaids and another about an alien invasion. In an interview he said that during this period he had “no life”).

After The Martian, Andy became a “full time writer” and wrote Artemis, a story about a sassy, sharp porter/smuggler named Jasmine “Jazz” Bashara who lives on the Moon and gets pulled into a conspiracy for control of the tourist-attraction city. The book is entertaining, the plot moves (readers on Goodreads voted it the best sci-fi novel of the year), the climax is great, and the science is interesting, but Andy’s secondary characters often feel the same/flat. Nonetheless, it was an enjoyable read, enjoyable enough for me to feel eager for the next one.

Andy finds his stride in Project Hail Mary. He focuses in on his main character Ryland Grace, a high school science teacher, and spends the majority of the narrative on his journey. The story opens with Grace waking up on spaceship with two, dead corpses. Grace has lost his memory, but it starts coming back to him in flashes. He realizes that he is on a mission to save humanity…

I cried reading this book, I laughed. Near the end I was walking down the sidewalk with my kindle trembling in my hands and bumping into disgruntled Parisians wearing colorful scarves. There are fantastical Sci-Fi elements in this book, but they were never too much to shock me out of the narrative. Andy approaches problems such as “humans would need an ENORMOUS amount of fuel to travel to other stars” and uses elements he’s already reasonably introduced in the narrative to solve them. And because he is so well-read in Sci-Fi (and “well-watched in Star Trek), I never felt like he was using worn Sci-Fi tropes or clichés when introducing fantastical Sci-Fi things. They always felt fresh (but perhaps I’m not well read enough in the Sci-Fi genre). There’s goodness in the book as well, and a relentless pushing through obstacles. And if there’s a reminder we all need right now, at the tail end of this virus invasion, it’s to remain good while overcoming our challenges. On another note, here’s a picture of a whiny baby basset hound. Have a good Earth single rotation.

“So you want to travel amongst the stars and save the world? First rub my belly.”

SPOILER ALERT

*

SPOILER ALERT

*

SPOILER ALERT

*

All my notes on the book below…if I receive enough positive feedback on this review I’ll write another one (for those who have read the book) digging deeper into the story.

Project Hail Mary

100: good ending: “Who can tell me the speed of light?” Twelve kids raise their claws. —is this a subtle (conscious?) reference to the end of The Martian movie, where all the students raise their hands? 
99: hah: I love meburgers. I eat one every day. —Is meburger trademarked?? T-shirts?!
99: But I try to stay positive. What else have I got?
98: moving reunion scene.
97: cover, Grace jumping off with a tether…
97: typo: I only know where the ship is there.—should be: I only know where the ship is because 
97: typo: …made to find celestial bodies hundreds of thousands of kilometers across, not spaceship…” should be: not a spaceship. 
97: I smile. It’s working. 
96: keep hope alive and all that. 
96: hah, yes!: “I’m definitely going to die!”
96: I rub my hands together, take a sip of water, and get to work. 
96: hah, so good: “This is the astronavigational equivalent of doing donuts in the 7-Eleven parking lot. 
95: typo: “And all this is going on the edge of the Tau acetic system.” Should be: …going on at the edge…
95: hah, acknowledgement of the vanity: “Statues, parades, et cetera.”
95: Chapter 29: will Ryland go and save Rocky? How much time would this add to his trip? Not enough food and fuel. Uncertainty is too big. Has to return home. 
95: typo: …they figured out how to hide from nitrogen by sneaking into in the xenonite itself! —should be: into the xenonite…
94: Profound: “Yes, I made a strain of Taumoeba that could si I’ve nitrogen. But evolution doesn’t care what I want. And it doesn’t do just one thing at a time.” Is Rocky okay?!?? 
94: hah: “it’s hard to be an America, okay?”
94: interesting: “When you get down to the teeny, tiny realm, solid objects are more like thick jungles than brick walls 
92: Good line: “I owe my life to DuBois‘s preferred method of suicide.”
92: Okay, don’t panic. Think clearly. Then act. 
92: typo: “And hey, they’ll probably analyze it learn how to make their own.” —should be “…analyze it and learn his…
91: hah, daunting: “I’m going to have to eat this Bitter Pill Chow every meal for several years.”
91: But thanks to time dilation, when I get home all those folks will be a generation older than me. 
91: More accurately, hell is coming to us. 
90: true: “People nowadays…they have no idea how good they have it. The past was unrelenting misery for most people.”
90: Godspeed, buddy. 
90: Goodbye, friend Grace.
89: but hey, fashion isn’t about function or convenience.
89: Hah: …a worn old teddy bear she probably had as a kid, a kilogram of heroin…
89: hah: humans leak! Gross! 
88: hah: I spend a lot of time un-suiciding this suicide mission. 
88: Hah: Grumpy, angry, stupid. How long since last sleep, question?
88: So what? It’s only an extra year and a half. What’s the big deal? I don’t have that much food. (The Martian echo)
87: AstroTorch (TM)
86%: Same with writing, books: “It’s a weird feeling, scientific breakthroughs. There’s no Eureka moment. Just a slow, steady progression toward a goal. But man, when you get to that goal it feels good.
84: Humans are very different…we get diseases all the time. (Written pre-Covid-19?!)
84: good line: “The human body is more like a borderless police state.”
84: Earth’s air is 78% nitrogen. 
84: hah: The Hail Mary is currently the Taumoeba party bus. 
83: typo debatable: « That’s the closest to the center of ship I can get. » -of the ship. 
&3: I’m just a guy with the genes to survive a coma. 
83: great scene revealing that Grace never wanted to join the mission. 
82: « I may not have all the answers. But I’m here. »
81: hah: ride off into the Tauset.
78: debatable typo: “I installed it and got ship’s power back on without a hitch. » —without the ship’s power 
78: Beatles reference: hard day’s night 
78: hah: Use taumoeba farts to propel ourselves through space. 
77: interesting: when you get down to it, smell is just tasting at range.
75: Evolution is extremely good at filling every nook in the ecosystem. 
75: Grace and Rocky will discover that the predator is a Substance that in abundant supply on Earth. Helium? 
74: typo: That makes no sense, I said, « Those generators uses a tiny, tiny bit of Astrophage… » should be « use a tiny, tiny bit of Astrophage. 
74: prediction: last minute before launch Dubois elopes with his lover. Ryland Grace has got to step in. 
74: « A self-sacrifice instinct makes the species as a whole more likely to continue. »
73: « Intelligence evolves to give us an advantage over the other animals. But evolution is lazy. Once a problem is solved, the train stops evolving. So you and me, we’re both just intelligence enough to be smarter than our planet’s other animals. »
73: Fascinating: Math is not thinking. Math is procedure. Memory is not thinking. Memory is storage. Thinking is thinking. Problem, solution. You and me think the same speed. Why, question? » 
73: Hah: « I’m smart enough now to know I’m stupid. That’s progress. »
72: Commander Yao: a gun can actually be a complicated way, sometimes going wrong and slightly missing, look at Vronsky in Anna Karenina 
72: Never knew this: The suffocation reflex comes from excess carbon dioxide in the lungs, not lack of oxygen. 
72: software engineer: « It’s intensely satisfying. Like that feeling when you blast an air duster into an old computer. »
72: Interesting: At 29 atmospheres, air acts almost like water. 
71: At least being stupid isn’t permanent. I’ll press on. 
71: « My seal held. » reminds me of Jazz sealing up that building on the moon, a seal so good it caused everyone else to pass out from them blast…best scene in the book. 
71: « This orbit will probably decay over time » -interesting, didn’t know orbits decayed. 
70: That gram of Astrophage has 100 trillion Joules of energy. 
68: hah: sorry, earth. There. Much better last thought.
66: like this phrase: the engines would punch my ticket.
64: American mentality: “Earth’s had five mass extinction events in the past. And humans are clever. We’ll pull through.”
64: The faster you go, the less time you experience.
61: !!! This is where it all started.
61: More predictions: Rocky dies while working with Grace. Astrophage originates from Tau planet/Adrian 
59: software engineer author: “I pulled my laptop out and fired it up.”
59: good metaphor: Eridians going out in space in suit like. Human in scuba diving gear in black paint 
59: 7% methane, prediction, there’s life there.
57: “So we’re on our way to the mysterious planet.” Let’s go!
56: Hah: Are all Russians crazy? Yes…it is the only way to be Russian and happy at the same time.
55: I’m going to live! (Twisted, dark side of me was actually hoping he’d have to die out there. Cope with the morality and last moments alone. Just like I was hoping Mark would pass away on Mars and Jazz on the moon…)
55: I try not to think of my impending doom
55: good end of chapter: “How long do humans live, question?” 
54: Rocky = 291 years old/689 year average Average human life span = 72.6
Rocky is 30.66 human years old
He’s been there for 46 years…4.84 human years 
54: typo: “Sometimes he dips his carapace when sad, but I’ve never seen him dip is this far.” —-dip his this far. 
53: I’m the same way: “I know animal testing is necessary. I just don’t like to stare at it.”
53: yes: “you and me science to kill Astrophage together,” —-will be interesting to see how Hollywood/movie makes Rocky and handles his communication 
53: And pack instinct is required for a species to become intelligent.
52: haha so good: « I spent the next hour tidying up. I wasn’t expecting company. »
51: When the alternative is death to your entire species, things are very easy. No moral dilemmas, no weighing what’s best for whom. Just a single-minded focus on getting thr project 
51: haha: « Can we just keep poking Antarctica for more methane to keep Earth’s temperature right? »
51: interesting: Antarctica used to be a jungle 
50%: Earth was seeded by some ancestor Astrophage.
50%: Typo: Still unusual. Humans and Eridians are close in in space.
50: Typo: And with their unparalleled materials technology…should be materials and technology 
49: Climatologist from Paris: François Leclerc 
47: haha: « I’ve never heard of pair production before. » « It’s a thing. » « okay. » 
47: typo: How the can a civilization develop space travel without ever discovering radiation?—-Should be: How can a civilization…
45: « Well, you’re not alone anymore, buddy, » I say. « Neither of us are. »
45: Hah, …but he threw shade when I talked to myself. 
44: « I sleep now » prediction: Rocky 1 dies. He thinks sleeping is dying. 
43: Apt phrase: « Best of both worlds. »
43: good line: « Broadly speaking, the human brain is a collection of software hacks complied into a single, somehow-functional unit. » in short, the human brain is a mess. 
41: Hah: And that’s a damn fine army. » America! Yeah!
40: Spider alien reminds me a bit of the alien in the movie arrival 
36: hah, yes, his name is Rocky. 
Typo: 35%: …but I can’t expect Eridians to know the intricacies a universal airlock. Should be—of a universal airlock 
33%: truth : Human beings have a remarkable ability to accept the abnormal and make it normal. —-subconscious survival technique? 
33%: Prediction: will breaching the hull here come back to bite him in the ass someway later on (perhaps when he tries to leave the system)?
32: Hah: I’m telling my new friends that I can handle slightly faster deliveries.
31: Hah, “what do I even call noble gasses that don’t react with things? Ignobles?”
30%: typo: Pack a bag at meet us at Genève Aéroport. Terminal 3, private plane called Stratt.” —-should be: Pack a bag and meet us 
30%: typo: This is a fairly complicated piece of machinery and you’ll breaking the ship into two parts. —-should be “you’re breaking” or you will break. Or: “You’ll be breaking.”
30%: typo Shouldn’t faring be fairing? 
29%: Typo: Stratt says: “That fascinating,” should be “That’s fascinating.” 
29: Panspermia: life originated from chemical precursors of life 
29: Opening the cylinder while outside of the Orlan suit was big risk. Why not open it while still suited up? 
28: Taulight…re-naming reminds me of pirate-ninjas / one-kilowatt hour per Martian day/sol. 
28: I’m functional enough for now. I press on. 
28: Chrysalis-lock?
27: Hah: Besides, if there is hostile intent, what would I do about it? Did. That’s what I’d do. I’m a scientist, not Buck Rodgers. 
27: I’m the guy! I’m the guy who meets Alena for the first time. Prediction: foreign ship is powered by humans. 
27: …200 meters away from an honest-to-God alien!
27: nice detail: A bead of sweat separates from my forehead and floats away. 
26: Interesting: When European mariners first came across Asian mariners, no one was surprised they both used sails. 
26: hah: Still the most exciting moment in human history.
26: typo: I type some numbers into the calculator do an ARCTAN operation, and:-should be …into the calculator to do an ARCTAN operation. Or:…type some numbers into the calculator, do an ARCTAN, and
26: Holy fucking shit! (Saves the cuss words) 
26: It’s a ship. WTF!!!!
25: hah: I do a wiggly little dance in my chair. 
24-25: arrival at zero-g is a bit abrupt in the narrative. 
24% Typo: “I have to dig through a few layers of UI on the Beetles panel to find to the launch command, but I find it.” Should be: …Beetles panel to find the launch command.”
23: I wipe my eyes and try to think of other things. My whole species is at stake here. 
23: When you get going near the speed of light, you experience time dilation. 
22; hah: a more tactile approach: I’m gonna start pushing buttons! 
22: who is Werner von Braun?
22: The NannyBot
21: The entire output of a nuclear reactor for a year comes a single kilogram of mass (Uranium). 
21: Oh shit: « But if our sun dims by ten percent we’re all dead. »
21: Our best guess is that Astrophage can only survive so long without a star and it can coast about eight light-years in that time.
21: Our sun was infected by a star called WISE
20: Star mold!!!
20: Such a good idea, detail: professional astronomers don’t study local stars. They look at far-away things. It’s amateurs who log data on local stuff. Like train spotters.
19%: typo: It had big Chinese flag over it. Should be: « It had a big Chinese flag flying over it. » 
18: It’s simple, really. Get energy, get resources, and make copies. It’s the same thing all life on Earth does.
18: Lots of species migrate to breed. Why would Astrophage be any different?
18: microwave theme: net is too small forMicrowaves so you can watch your food cook without your face melting off. 
18: Light is a funny thing 
18: Who is Shemp?
17: That’s pretty much a rule in electronics: you never get diodes right on the first try. » what are diodes? Look this up later. 
16: pun: breathe a sigh of relief and stop working in argon-filled rooms. 
16: I’m going to die out here. And I’m going to die alone.
15: excellent writing: “These kids were going to grow up in an idyllic world and be thrown into an apocalyptic nightmare.”
15: Thirty years? Trang laughed. “That’s forever.”
15: hah: “My dad says that [climate change] is not real.” —“Well, it is.”
14: « I commend your body to the stars. »
14: great description of Olesya Ilyukhina. I’d like to meet her, « one of those infectious and jovial personalities. »
13: So why am I the one out here? All I did was prove that my lifelong belief was wrong?
11: an organism with a diet of stars: Astrophage 
11: « like cane toads in Australia. »Look this up. 
Question: he was a science teacher who wrote a paper and knew about life, but how was he chosen to go into space? 
Prediction: he returns to earth. Humans were able to survive, despite no sunlight. 
10: velocity is relative. It doesn’t make any sense unless you are comparing two objects. 
9: hah: Confetti, maybe.
8%: « All life needs is a chemical reaction that results in copies of the original catalyst. And you don’t need water for that! »
Prediction: he was chosen by humanity to go into « eternal » sleep, body being maintained by a robot, while the ship orbits a vacant earth, until humanity could be discovered, since humanity has been wiped out. Somehow the self-sustaining spaceship system has broken down centuries later and he’s all that is left. 
8%: However desperate things were, someone still had to deliver milk…if Mrs. McCreedy’s house got bombed in the night, well, you crossed it’s off the delivery list. 
7%: hah: pockets of nearly frozen noodles next to tongue-melting plasma. 
6%: …or maybe it’s just the calmness that comes after a crying jag. 
5%: pint of Guinness, yes.
5%: pendulums, mechanical clocks, period of time = length of pendulum, gravity 
4%: autoclave: strong, heated container used for chemical reactions and other processes
4%: what kind of weirdo am I?
3%: truth: No one cares about the right thing when they’re hungry. 
3%: hah: God job, it says, we get to not die for a while! 
2%/14: “I’m Caucasian, I’m, and I speak English. Let’s play the odds. “J-John?”


Ressentir des émotions en lisant un livre exige une suspension de la croyance et une rupture avec votre environnement physique. Vous devez vous détacher de l’endroit où vous êtes, de vos problèmes, de votre bébé basset qui gémit sur le canapé, et vous perdre dans l’histoire. Sinon, vous n’êtes qu’une personne assise là, tenant une pile de papier bien rangée.

Pour les biographes, les auteurs de mémoires et les écrivains de non-fiction, le processus de suspension de la croyance est moins difficile que pour les écrivains de fantasy et de science-fiction. Le lecteur est convaincu que le contenu du livre s’est réellement déroulé dans la réalité, ce qui donne du poids et du relief aux événements du récit.

Mais un auteur de science-fiction ou de fantaisie doit non seulement relever le défi inhérent à la suspension de la croyance du lecteur dans sa réalité, mais il doit aussi instiller une nouvelle réalité avec de nouvelles règles que le lecteur acceptera, auxquelles il adhérera spirituellement et qu’il suivra consciemment.

Comment Joanne Rowling a-t-elle pu vendre un demi-milliard de livres Harry Potter ? Oui, les personnages sont formidables et durables, les intrigues sont passionnantes, l’écriture est solide et les idées sont fascinantes… mais elle a également ancré le monde magique aussi fermement que possible dans une réalité similaire à la nôtre. Il y a un gouvernement magique, une banque magique, un système de transport magique. Lors d’une interview sur son processus d’écriture, Joanne a admis que l’un de ses principaux défis dans la construction du monde de Harry Potter n’était pas de créer les instances de la magie ou les pouvoirs fantastiques des sorciers et des magiciens, mais de créer les contraintes dans le monde magique qui contrôlent et donnent de la tension aux éléments/événements magiques.

Trop de livres de fantasy et de science-fiction ignorent l’importance des contraintes pour créer de la tension et du drame. Pourquoi les lecteurs souhaitent-ils des contraintes dans leurs histoires ? L’une des raisons est que nous sommes confrontés à des contraintes tous les jours de notre vie. Notre première contrainte ? Nous voulons faire des choses dans la vie alors que nous sommes en perpétuelle déchéance et que l’heure tourne. Les livres nous aident à apprendre ce que nous voulons, qui nous sommes, et ce qu’il faut faire dans ce bref moment d’existence. Les meilleurs livres ne nous font pas perdre notre temps précieux. Ni Joanne Rowling ni Andy Weir ne gaspillent le temps de leurs lecteurs. Andy est un maître dans l’utilisation des contraintes de la science-fiction et un leader dans le genre de la science-fiction dure.

Andy Weir fait pour la science-fiction ce que Joanne Rowling a fait pour la fantasy. Il ancre le récit autant que possible dans la réalité pour ajouter de la profondeur et du drame à l’histoire. Mais alors que Joanne a fondé son monde sur des constructions sociales similaires à une société humaine, Andy fonde son monde sur des concepts scientifiques et les lois naturelles de l’univers. On apprend des choses scientifiques et spatiales en lisant ses livres. On apprend comment les objets solides, lorsqu’on les analyse dans le “minuscule royaume”, ressemblent en fait davantage à des jungles épaisses qu’à des murs de briques.

Ce qui rend Le Martien, le premier livre d’Andy (qui a connu un grand succès et a été transformé en film à succès de Ridley Scott) si fascinant, c’est qu’il a fait des recherches scientifiques approfondies et qu’il a rendu son récit aussi précis que possible (à l’exception de la tempête de sable et de la force du vent sur Mars au début… Le vent sur Mars a une grande vitesse mais une faible force, Andy a dit qu’il avait délibérément sacrifié la précision à des fins dramatiques dans ce cas). Il voulait répondre à la question suivante : comment un humain peut-il survivre sur Mars ? Il a fait appel à la foule pour rédiger son livre sur son blog et a reçu les commentaires de ses fidèles lecteurs et des nerds qui lui demandaient si la science était correcte ou non. Il écrivait un chapitre, faisait des recherches pendant trois mois, puis en écrivait un autre. Le processus a fonctionné. Il a mis le livre sur Amazon (sur l’insistance de ses lecteurs) au prix le plus bas possible (.99, il n’avait pas besoin d’argent, il était ingénieur en logiciel depuis 20 ans) et peu après, la popularité du livre est montée en flèche (jeu de mots). (En l’espace d’une semaine, il a reçu un appel d’un agent littéraire pour un contrat d’édition et un autre appel lui annonçant que les droits cinématographiques avaient été vendus. Andy a dit que c’était une bonne semaine).

Mais il a également veillé à ce que l’intrigue de The Martian soit ancrée dans la réalité et limitée. J’ai vu une interview d’Andy dans laquelle il mentionnait qu’il ne voulait jamais que son personnage connaisse des ” moments de conflit foudroyants “. Un ” moment de conflit éclair “, c’est lorsqu’un personnage est en train de faire quelque chose et que BAM-OUCH-SIZZLE, une chose inattendue arrive et cause un problème. Cela n’est pas satisfaisant pour le lecteur. Andy a donc fait en sorte que chaque nouveau problème/défaut qui se présente à son personnage (le pauvre Mark Watney) naisse de la solution apportée par le personnage à un problème précédent. Grâce à cette technique, vous ressentez plus profondément la lutte du personnage.

Andy connaît bien le genre de la science-fiction (il a grandi en lisant les classiques de la science-fiction que sont Asimov, Heinlein et Clarke) et il est passionné par la NASA et les sciences spatiales. De même que Joanne Rowling a passé cinq ans à créer le monde de Harry Potter pour que le lecteur ait l’impression que le conteur connaît tout du monde magique, Andy Weir a passé sa vie à se renseigner sur la NASA et les voyages dans l’espace, de sorte que le lecteur ressent une expertise derrière le récit. Ce qui est amusant, c’est qu’Andy a peur de prendre l’avion.

Dans ses trois livres, Andy pose les questions suivantes : qu’est-ce qui est possible sur Mars, qu’est-ce qui est possible sur la Lune, et qu’est-ce qui est possible dans le domaine des voyages spatiaux + le saut dans les étoiles voisines, compte tenu des contraintes ?

Andy est extrêmement intelligent, mais jamais condescendant. Il réduit des idées scientifiques complexes à des déclarations simples, non pas pour montrer à quel point il est intelligent (je ne pense pas qu’il se soucie que vous le pensiez ou non), mais parce qu’il aime sincèrement partager ses découvertes. Il passe des mois à faire des recherches sur la science qui se cache derrière un détail spécifique qui pourrait faire l’objet d’une seule phrase dans le livre. Il est également drôle, faisant des blagues légères qui regardent souvent la mort ou le vide spatial en face.

Il y a des écrivains qui aiment écrire et qui ont des histoires qu’ils doivent exprimer et il y a des écrivains qui le font pour gagner leur vie même s’ils n’ont plus rien à dire (85% des livres publiés). Andy a été licencié par AOL il y a quinze ans et, grâce à une généreuse indemnité de licenciement, il a passé trois ans à essayer de trouver un agent littéraire pour publier un livre qu’il écrivait. Il n’a reçu que des refus. Il s’est dit : “Bon, j’ai essayé”, et il est redevenu un ingénieur logiciel qui écrivait du code. Mais il aimait écrire, alors il a continué à le faire, en publiant des histoires sur son blog. C’est alors qu’il a créé The Martian (l’un des trois livres qu’il écrivait simultanément à l’époque… un autre portait sur les sirènes et un autre sur une invasion extraterrestre. Dans une interview, il a déclaré que pendant cette période, il n’avait ” pas de vie “).

Après The Martian, Andy est devenu un ” écrivain à plein temps ” et a écrit Artemis, l’histoire d’une porteuse et d’une contrebandière insolente, Jasmine ” Jazz ” Bashara, qui vit sur la Lune et se retrouve mêlée à une conspiration pour le contrôle de la ville touristique. Le livre est divertissant, l’intrigue avance (les lecteurs de Goodreads l’ont élu meilleur roman de science-fiction de l’année), le point culminant est génial et la science est intéressante, mais les personnages secondaires d’Andy sont souvent identiques ou plats. Néanmoins, ce fut une lecture agréable, suffisamment agréable pour que j’aie hâte de lire la suite.

Andy trouve son rythme de croisière dans Project Hail Mary. Il se concentre sur son personnage principal, Ryland Grace, professeur de sciences au lycée, et consacre la majeure partie du récit à son parcours. L’histoire s’ouvre sur le réveil de Grace dans un vaisseau spatial avec deux cadavres. Grace a perdu la mémoire, mais celle-ci commence à lui revenir par flashs. Il réalise qu’il est en mission pour sauver l’humanité…

J’ai pleuré en lisant ce livre, j’ai ri. Vers la fin, je marchais sur le trottoir, mon kindle tremblant dans mes mains, et je croisais des Parisiens mécontents portant des foulards colorés. Il y a des éléments fantastiques de science-fiction dans ce livre, mais ils n’ont jamais été trop forts pour me faire sortir du récit. Andy aborde des problèmes tels que “les humains auraient besoin d’une quantité ENORME de carburant pour voyager vers d’autres étoiles” et utilise des éléments qu’il a déjà raisonnablement introduits dans le récit pour les résoudre. Et parce qu’il est si bien informé sur la science-fiction (et “bien regardé Star Trek”), je n’ai jamais eu l’impression qu’il utilisait des tropes ou des clichés usés de la science-fiction lorsqu’il introduisait des choses fantastiques de la science-fiction. Elles m’ont toujours semblé fraîches (mais peut-être ne suis-je pas assez cultivé dans le domaine de la science-fiction). Il y a aussi de la bonté dans ce livre, et un acharnement à surmonter les obstacles. Et s’il y a un rappel dont nous avons tous besoin en ce moment, à la fin de cette invasion de virus, c’est de rester bon tout en surmontant nos défis. Sur une autre note, voici la photo d’un bébé basset pleurnichard (défilement vers le haut). Bonne rotation unique de la Terre.

Chapter One: Passing Through Platform Nine and Three-Quarters

This is a work of fan fiction. All rights, characters, Bubotubers, and magic belong to Joanne Rowling. The art above is from the Pottermore Website and Jonny Duddle’s illustrations. I am not making any money from this story. I am only creating this parallel Harry Potter Universe for my pleasure and for other obsessive fans who wonder how Harry might have turned out differently if…

Prologue: Hagrid’s Instructions

“Yer ticket fer Hogwarts,” Hagrid said. “First o’ September – King’s Cross – it’s all on yer ticket. Any problems with the Dursleys, send me a letter with yer owl, she’ll know where to find me …See yeh soon H- Oh Blimey! I keep forgetting’ how little yeh know. Dumbledoor woulda killed me! Yeh won’t see no gate or nothing at King’s Cross for yeh train, just ‘er brick wall between platforms 9 and 10. What yeh gotta do is just walk through it.”

“Just walk through it?”

“Yeh train’s on the other side.”

“But how…”

“Yeh a wizard Harry, yeh can do things them Muggles can’t. See yeh at Hogwarts!”

The train left the station. Harry wanted to watch Hagrid until he was out of sight; he rose in his seat and pressed his nose against the window, but he blinked and Hagrid had gone.

Diagon Alley by Katarzyna-Kmiecik, All Rights Reserved

Chapter One: Passing Through Platform Nine and Three-Quarters

            On the last day of August Harry thought he’d better speak to his aunt and uncle about getting to King Cross’ station the next day, so he went down to the living room, where they were watching a trivia show on television. He coughed to let them know he was there, and Dudley screamed and ran from the room.

            “Er – Uncle Vernon?”

            Uncle Vernon grunted to show he was listening.

            “Er – I need to be at King’s Cross tomorrow to – to go to Hogwarts.”

            Uncle Vernon grunted again.

            “Would it be all right if you gave me a ride?”

            Grunt. Harry supposed that meant yes.

            “Thank you.”

            He was about to go back upstairs when Uncle Vernon actually spoke.

            “Funny way to get to a wizards’ school, the train. Magic carpets all got punctures, have they?”

            Harry didn’t say anything.

            “Where is this school, anyway?”

            “I don’t know,” said Harry, realizing this for the first time. He pulled the ticket Hagrid had given him out of his pocket.

            “I just take the train from…from…I just take the train at eleven o’clock,” he read.

            “All right,” said Uncle Vernon, who was distracted by the television show. “We’ll take you to King’s Cross. We’re going to London tomorrow anyway, or I wouldn’t bother.”

            “Why are you going to London?” Harry asked, trying to keep things friendly and glad that Uncle Vernon didn’t ask him which platform.

            “Taking Dudley to the hospital,” growled Uncle Vernon. “Got to have that goddamn tail removed before he goes to Smeltings.”

Harry and The Dursleys, Sketch by Joanne Rowling

            Harry woke up at five o’clock the next morning and was too excited and nervous to go back to sleep. He got up and pulled on his jeans because he didn’t want to walk into the station in his wizard’s robes – he’d change on the train. He checked his Hogwarts list yet again to make sure he had everything he needed, saw that Hedwig was shut safely in her cage and then paced the room, waiting for the Dursleys to get up. Two hours later, Harry’s huge, heavy trunk had been loaded into the Dursleys’ car, Aunt Petunia had talked Dudley into sitting next to Harry and they set off.

            They reached King’s Cross at half past ten. Uncle Vernon dumped Harry’s trunk on to a nearby trolley and returned to the car. 

            “Don’t write us any letters asking for anything,” said Uncle Vernon with a scowl. He slammed the door and the Dursleys drove away. Harry’s mouth went dry. Was he going to be able to pass through the platform? Was he magical enough? He was starting to attract a lot of funny looks, because of Hedwig. He walked towards platforms nine and ten.

            He ignored the passing crowds and made his way forward with grim determination. According to the large clock over the arrivals board, he had twenty minutes to get on the train to Hogwarts. He was glad that Hagrid had reminded him of how to find the train, because when he arrived at platforms nine and ten there really was just a brick wall. 

            Heart hammering, Harry pushed his trolley so that it was facing the wall. Just walk through it, he told himself. Trust Hagrid. He wouldn’t lie to you. Just walk through it.  

            He started to walk towards the ticket barrier. People jostled him on their way to platforms nine and ten. Harry walked more quickly. He was going to smash right into that ticket box and then he’d be in trouble and back to living with the Dursleys. Learning forward on his trolley, he broke into a heavy run – the barrier was coming nearer and nearer – he wouldn’t be able to stop – the trolley was out of control – he was a foot away – he closed his eyes ready for the crash – 

            It didn’t come…he kept on running…he opened his eyes.

            A scarlet steam engine was waiting next to a platform packed with people. A sign overhead said Hogwarts Express, 11 o’clock. Harry looked behind him and saw a wrought-iron archway where the ticket box had been, with the words Platform Nine and Three-Quarters. He had done it. 

            Smoke from the engine drifted over the heads of the chattering crowd, while cats of every color wound here and there between their legs. Owls hooted to each other in a disgruntled sort of way over the babble and the scraping of heavy trunks. 

            The first few carriages were already packed with students, some hanging out of the window to talk to their families, some fighting over seats. Harry pushed his trolley off down the platform in search of an empty compartment. He was nervous that he wouldn’t be able to find one and nervous because he was alone. He passed a round-faced boy who was saying, “Gran, I’ve lost my toad again.”

            “Oh Neville,” he heard the old woman sigh. “I’ll send you a Remembrall next week.”

            A boy with dreadlocks was surrounded by a small crowd.

            “Give us a look, Lee, go on.”

            The boy lifted the lid of a box in his arms and the people around him shrieked and yelled as something inside poked out a long, hairy leg.

            Harry pressed on through the crowd until all of a sudden, he heard,

            “It’s you! From Diagon Alley.” It was the boy with the pale, pointed face who was being dressed at Madam Malkin’s Robes for All Occasions. He was wearing his new robe and flanked by two other boys. Both of them were thickset, looked extremely mean, and resembled bodyguards. “I never heard your name. My name’s Malfoy. Draco Malfoy.” He formally stuck out his hand to shake Harry’s. “Oh, and this is Crabbe and Goyle.” He carelessly waved his hand at the bodyguards. Harry looked around. He saw a red-headed family that had just passed through the barrier and were laughing and hugging one another. There was a set of twins who were jumping around a tall, gangly brother, poking him in the side with their wands. There was a little girl who was crying and tugging on her mother’s dress.

            “Er-” He didn’t want to sit with this pale boy with the bored, drawling voice, but he figured it would be rude to ignore his introduction. “Harry Potter.”

            “Harry Potter? The Harry Potter. I don’t believe you. Show me the scar.” Harry lifted up his untidy hair to reveal the lightning bolt scar. Both Crabbe and Goyle made stupid noises that sounded like “Duhh.” Malfoy smirked. “Come with me, Potter. My father told me there was a chance you’d be in my year. I’ll show you around and tell you everything you need to know about Hogwarts, the right people, the best teachers, important spells, the best house to be in. Follow me.”

            Harry didn’t want to follow, but he figured it would be good to learn as much as he could about Hogwarts before arriving. Besides, he could always change his seat later on. He looked back wistfully at the red-headed family. The twins had boarded the train and were yelling something about a toilet. 

            “You coming or are you just going to stand there all day like a good-for-nothing Squib?” mocked Malfoy. Crabbe and Goyle chuckled. Harry felt a little annoyed, and didn’t know what a Squib was, but he also felt a great leap of excitement as he followed Draco on to the train. He didn’t know what he was going to but it had to be better than what he was leaving behind. 

            Inside Draco opened a compartment door where there was a group of four students already sitting.

            “All of you. Out. This compartment’s reserved for Harry Potter.”

            “Harry Potter?!” one of the students gasped. They started to scramble to retrieve their trunks from the corner of the compartment.

            “No it’s not,” said Harry. “I-”

            “Shhhh,” Malfoy winked and smiled deviously.

            “You can’t just-”

            “Trust me Potter. I know what I’m doing. This compartment is nearest the food trolley, so we’ll get the best sweets before anyone else takes them.”

            “Er-” Harry wanted to tell the students they could stay, but they were already hurrying out into the corridor. Two of them glanced at his forehead furtively, the other two openly stared. Harry felt embarrassed. 

            “Sit across from me by the window,” said Draco. “Goyle, lift up Harry’s trunk for him. Crabbe, go get our trunks in the other compartment.”

            “I don’t need help.”

            “Please Harry. He likes lifting heavy things. Just look at him. I swear you have a distant relative who’s a troll, Goyle.” Harry helped Goyle lift his trunk into the corner as Crabbe left the compartment. A minute later Crabbe returned with the other trunks and shoved them above the seats.

            “First things first,” said Draco, “We need to talk about Hogwarts Houses. And how we can get into Slytherin. My father told me they put an old hat on your head once we arrive. And that the hat chooses which house you’re in. But I’m not sure how-”

            “Wasn’t Voldemort in Slytherin?” Crabbe and Goyle’s mouths dropped. Draco sneered.

            “You say his name out loud. Impressive. My family prefers to call him the dark lord.”

            “Hagrid told me that there wasn’t a single witch or wizard who went bad who wasn’t in Slytherin.”  Draco frowned. 

“Depends on what you mean by went bad. I wouldn’t listen to that stupid oaf, Harry. And why are you still wearing Muggle clothes? You look ridiculous. Put your robes on before someone says something.” Harry felt a flush of anger, but decided that he should probably change. Maybe they couldn’t enter Hogwarts while wearing Muggle clothes? “Wait a minute, you didn’t grow up with Muggles, did you?”

“I…I did. My aunt and uncle are Muggles. They-”

“That explains everything. Now I know why you were acting like such a dingbat in Diagon Alley. And why you were with that drunk savage.

“Hagrid isn’t a drunk savage. He-”

“He’s the Hogwarts gamekeeper, Harry. He’s not even allowed to do magic.”

“I know. But he was-” 

“So you know nothing about the wizarding world? Nothing about history, the Ministry of Magic, or even Quiddich?”

“No, I don’t.” Draco smiled and put his hands behind his head. 

“Well sit back and take a calming draught because you have a lot to learn before we arrive at Hogwarts. And I mean a lot. They might not even let you inside if you know so little.” Harry felt worried. He thought he would be the worst in his class. Draco stood up and stuck his head into the corridor. 

“Um, excuse me? Trolley woman? Are you going to do your job or continue reading the Quibbler? We’re hungry.” A dimpled woman pushed the trolley next to their compartment. Draco turned to Harry. “My mother secretly gave me ten galleons for sweets before she left.”

“Could you buy me something?” said Crabbe. “My dad forgot to give me money.” 

“Of course he did. My father told me that your dad has been acting very strange lately. Failing to show up to the monthly meetings.” 

“I’ll buy you something, Crabbe,” said Harry. “I have plenty of money.”

“Thanks Harry.”

“Is that your real name, Crabbe?”

“Uhhh, no, it’s Vincent. And he’s Gregory.”

“Look at Potter being kind and generous! Be careful though, my father told me that kindness can be a sign of ignorance and weakness. Keep acting like that and you’ll end up in Hufflepuff.” Draco turned to the trolley. “I’ll take ten Liquorice Wands, five Cauldron cakes, three Pumpkin Pasties, two Drooble’s Best Blowing Gum, four Bertie Bott’s Every-Flavor beans, and twenty Chocolate Frogs.”

“Twenty Chocolate Frogs?” the woman asked.

“Did I stutter? Twenty Chocolate Frogs.” Draco turned back to the compartment with his armful of sweets. He greedily began opening the Chocolate Frogs and tossing the chocolate aside.

“You can eat some of my Chocolate Frogs, Crabbe. I’m only buying them for the cards. All I need is Alberic. That’s the right sort of kindness, Potter. Giving away something when you don’t need it.” Harry bought two of each sweet and shared with Crabbe and Goyle.

“What are the cards?” Draco sighed.

“You really don’t know anything. Chocolate Frogs have cards inside them to collect – Famous Witches and Wizards. I’ve got about six hundred, but I haven’t got Alberic Grunnion yet.”

“Who’s he?”

“Inventor of the Dungbomb.” Harry unwrapped his Chocolate Frog and picked up the card. It showed a man’s face. He looked ancient and monkeyish, with a thin, white beard. Underneath the picture was the name Salazar Slytherin.

“Lucky you!” said Malfoy, who had peered at Harry’s card to see if it was Alberic. “He’s rare. It must be a sign. You’ll definitely be in Slytherin house.”

“Why?”

“Read the card, Muggle-breath.” Harry frowned, glared at Malfoy, then turned over his card and read:

Salazar Slytherin

            was the founder of Slytherin house at Hogwarts. He was one of the first recorded Parselmouths, an accomplished Legilimens, and a notorious champion of pure-blood supremacy. He is believed to have constructed a Chamber of Secrets beneath Hogwarts. When he was young he created his own wand, made of snakewood with a core of basilisk horn. 

            Harry remembered the time last spring he talked to a snake at the zoo. He turned the card back over and saw, to his astonishment, that Salazar Slytherin’s face had disappeared.

            “He’s gone!”

            “You can’t expect him to wait around all day, even if you are the boy who lived,” said Malfoy. “Gawking gargoyles, I’ve got Cassandra Vablatsky again and I’ve got about ten of her…I swear they’ve stopped making all the cards.” Malfoy tucked the card into his robes. 

            “You know, in the Muggle world, people just stay put in photos.” A look of disgust twisted Malfoy’s face.

            “I don’t care what photos do in the Muggle world, Potter! You’re in the wizard world now.”

            Harry shrugged and stared as Salazar sidled back into his card and gave him a nasty glare. Crabbe and Goyle were more interested in eating the chocolate than looking at the Famous Witches and Wizards cards (Goyle seemed to inhale the candy he was eating so fast), but Harry couldn’t keep his eyes off them. Soon he had not only Salazar Slytherin but Chauncey Oldridge (first known victim of Dragon Pox), Dunbar Oglethorpe (Chief of Q.U.A.B.B.L.E.), Gaspard Shingleton (inventor of the Self-Stirring Cauldron), and Wilfred Elphick (first wizard to be gored by an African Erumpent). He finally tore his eyes away from the Lady Carmillia Sanguina, who was taking a bath in a red liquid, to open a bag of Bertie Bott’s Every-Flavour Beans. 

            “Enjoy those,” said Malfoy with another devious smile. “When they say every flavor, they mean every flavor.”

            “What are you getting at?”

            “Just eat a couple.” Crabbe and Goyle guffawed stupidly. Harry picked up a dark-brown bean, looked at it carefully, and bit into a corner.

            “Bleeecchhh,” Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle howled with laughter. Harry tried to spit the taste of manure out of his mouth, wiping his mouth with his robe. Even though the bean was disgusting, he was glad that his new friends were laughing.

            “Like I said, when they say every flavor, they mean every flavor. I knew that was going to be a gross one. You should have seen your face!”

            The countryside now was flying past the window and becoming wilder. The neat fields had gone. Now there were woods, twisting rivers and dark green hills.

            There was a knock on the door of their compartment and the round-faced boy Harry had passed on platform nine and three-quarters came in. He looked tearful.

            “Sorry,” he said, “but have you seen a toad at all?”

            “Get out!” yelled Malfoy. “Nobody cares about your stupid toad!”

            “Relax Draco,” said Harry. He turned to the boy, “We haven’t. But he’ll turn up.”

            “I hope so,” said the boy miserably. “Well, if you see him…”

            He left.

            “What a Muggle-lover. If I’d brought a toad I would’ve chucked it out the window as quick as I could.” As Crabbe and Goyle chortled the compartment door slid open again. The toadless boy was back, but this time he had a girl with him. She was also wearing her new Hogwarts robes.

            “Has anyone seen a toad? Neville’s lost one,” she said. She had a bossy sort of voice, lots of bushy brown hair and rather large front teeth. Without realizing why, Harry felt an ache in his chest when he saw her and he wished he was sitting with her rather than with Draco and his cronies.

            “We’ve already told the fatty to leave us alone, we haven’t seen it.” The girl glanced at Harry, who still staring, then glared at Draco.

            “Don’t talk to Neville like that. How would you feel if you lost your pet on the train?”

            “would never buy a toad in the first place. Toads are-”

            “That wasn’t my question. What a shame that the very best school of witchcraft would accept someone like you, so obviously mean and conceited. Not to mention,” she pointed at the 20 chocolate frog wrappers. “Gluttonous and greedy. I’m Hermione Granger, by the way.”

            She said all this very fast, and looked at Harry when she introduced herself. Draco looked at Harry, Crabbe, and Goyle for support, but saw that Harry was ignoring him.

            “Harry Potter,” said Harry.

            “Are you really?” said Hermione. “I know all about you, of course – I got a few extra books for background reading, and you’re in Modern Magical History and The Rise and Fall of the Dark Arts and Great Wizarding Events of the Twentieth Century.”

            “Am I?” said Harry, feeling dazed and pleasantly lightheaded.

            “Goodness, didn’t you know? I’d have found out everything I could if it was me,” said Hermione. “Do you know what house you’ll be in? I’ve been asking around and I hope I’m in-”

            “Enough,” interrupted Malfoy. “We haven’t seen the toad and we never asked for a history lesson.”

            “All right – fine,” said Hermione in a sniffy voice. She started to leave, but turned back, “Oh, and one more thing,she glared at Draco, “it couldn’t hurt to go outside in the sun every once in a while. I thought you were a ghost when I first came in.”

            Draco glared at her as she left. “I bet you a 1000 galleons she’s a Mudblood.”

            Harry peered out the window. It was getting dark. He could see mountains and forests under a deep-purple sky. He wanted to daydream, but Draco poked him hard in the ribs with his wand.

            “Ouch!”

            “Pay attention, troll brains. Did you hear about Gringotts? What happened the day we met? It’s been all over the Daily Prophet, but I don’t suppose you get that with the Muggles.”

            “What happened?”

            “Somebody tried to rob a high-security vault.”

            Harry stared.

            “Really? What happened to them?”

            “Nothing, that’s why it’s such big news. They haven’t been caught. My father says it must’ve been a powerful dark wizard to get round Gringotts, but they don’t think they took anything, that’s what’s strange. I hope it was a dark wizard. Course, everyone gets all nervous when something like this happens in case the dark lord’s behind it.” 

            Harry turned this news over in his mind. He was starting to feel queasy every time Draco referred to Voldemort as the dark lord with his admiring toneHe supposed this was all part of entering the magical world, but it seemed odd that Malfoy would use this name when everyone else said, he-who-must-not-be-named.

            “What’s your Quidditch team?” grunted Crabbe.

            “Er – I don’t know any,” Harry confessed. “What’s Quiddich?”

            “He grew up with Muggles you sack of dung beetles! Do you listen to anything?” shouted Draco.

            “Oh,” said Crabbe, looking embarrassed.

            “You should really pay me, Potter, for all this explaining I’m doing. You’d be helpless arriving at Hogwarts if it wasn’t for me. They might’ve even turned you away. Quiddich is, simply, the best game in the world.” And he was off, drawling on and on about the four balls and the positions of the seven players, describing famous games he’d been to with his father and the broomstick he’d like to buy when he was made Seeker of the Slytherin team. He was just boring Harry to tears through a play-by-play of the Bulgarian National Quidditch team winning against the Norwegian National Quiddich team in 1992 when the compartment door slid open yet again, but it wasn’t Neville the toadless boy or Hermione Granger this time.

            Three red-headed boys entered and Harry recognized them from platform 9 and three quarters. There was the set of twins and the tall, gangly boy with a rat on his shoulder. They were glaring at Draco.

            “Look who’s here,” said Draco. “The Weasley brothers. Are you three going from compartment to compartment, asking for alms? Sorry, but I already spent everything on candy. You can have the wrappers though. Here.”

            “Keep your wrappers, blondie,” said one of the twins. “We’re here to warn you about picking on Neville. He never did anything to you. He was just looking for his toad. So watch yourself.”

            “And we heard Harry Potter was here. We didn’t want you corrupting him with any of your trash-”

            “AAARG!” Goyle sprang up from his seat, flapping his arms wildly. The tall, gangly boy’s rat had jumped at Goyle’s head, bit his ear, and was refusing to let go.

            “Scabbers! What are you doing?” 

            “Get it off me get it off me!” The boys pushed and shoved one another until Scabbers was back in the tall boy’s hands. Draco whipped out his wand.

            “All three off you Muggle-lovers, leave. Before I hex you. I’ll claim self-defense. Who do you think you are, coming here and trying to hurt my friends.”

            “We-”

            “I SAID LEAVE!” Draco threateningly pointed his wand and each of the red-headed boys’ chests. They glowered, closed the compartment door, and walked away.

            “Be careful of them,” said Draco to Harry as they sat down. “Now they’re the bad kind of wizards. Muggle-lovers…”

            “Oh…”

            The trained started to slow down and voice echoed above their heads: “We will be reaching Hogwarts in five minutes’ time. Please leave your luggage on the train, it will be taken to the school separately.”

            Harry’s stomach lurched with nerves and Draco, who was a pale as ever, seemed to be twitching but pretending to be confident. They crammed their pockets with the last of the sweets and joined the crowd thronging the corridor. 

            The train slowed right down and finally stopped. People pushed their way towards the door and out on to a tiny, dark platform. Harry shivered in the cold night air. Then a lamp came bobbing over the heads and the students and Harry heard a familiar voice: ‘Firs’-years! Firs’-years over here! All right there Harry?”

            Hagrid’s big hairy face beamed over the sea of heads.

            “Yeah! I made it through the brick wall, just like you told me!” He smiled at Harry, but then furrowed his brow at Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle, who were huddled behind Harry’s back.

            “Good teh hear. C’mon, follow me – any more firs’-years? Mind yer step now! Firs’ years follow me!”

            Slipping and stumbling, they followed Hagrid down what seemed to be a steep, narrow path. It was so dark either side of them that Harry thought there must be thick trees there. Nobody spoke much. Neville, the boy who kept losing his toad, sniffed once or twice. Draco chuckled and whispered to Harry, “I can’t believe that fatty is crying. What a crybaby.”

            “Yeh’ll get yer firs’ sight of Hogwarts in a sec,” Hagrid called over his shoulder, ‘jus’ round this bend here.”

            There was a loud “Oooooh!”

            The narrow path had opened suddenly on to the edge of a great black lake. Perched atop a high mountain on the other side, its windows sparkling in the starry sky, was a vast castle with many turrets and towers. Harry heard Draco’s drawling voice in his ear as he grabbed his robes, “Psssh, Durmstrang looked even better in the brochure.”

            “What’s Durmstrang?

            “It’s-”

            “No more’n four to a boat!” Hagrid called, pointing to a fleet of little boats sitting in the water by the shore. Harry wanted to sit with other students, since Draco was getting on his nerves, but Draco ushered him, Crabbe, and Goyle into the nearest boat with little shoves. “C’mon, c’mon let’s be the first ones in.”

            “Everyone in?” shouted Hagrid, who had a boat to himself. “Right then – FORWARD!”

            And the fleet of little boats moved off all at once, gliding across the lake, which was as smooth as glass. Everyone was silent, staring up at the castle, except for Draco, who wouldn’t stop pulling at Harry’s sleeve and whispering, “There’s something in the lake! Look! Quick!” But Harry turned and missed whatever Draco had seen. 

“What was it?”

“Too late.” Harry looked back at the castle as it towered over the students. They sailed nearer and nearer to the cliff on which it stood.

            “Heads down!” yelled Hagrid as the first boats carried them through a curtain of ivy which hid a wide opening in the cliff face. They were carried along a dark tunnel, which seemed to be taking then right underneath the castle, until they reached a kind of underground harbor, where they clambered out on to rocks and pebbles. 

            “Oy, you there! Is this your toad?” said Hagrid, who was checking the boats as people climbed out of them.

            “Vorter!” cried Neville blissfully, holding out his hands. Harry smiled and Draco scowled. Then they clambered up a passageway in the rock after Hagrid’s lamp, coming out at last on to smooth, damp grass right in the shadow of the castle.

            They walked up a flight of stone steps and crowded around the huge, oak front door.

            “Everyone here? You there, still got yer toad?”


            “Nobody cares, you big oaf,” whispered Draco under his breath.

            “Will you shut up?” whispered Harry back.

            Hagrid raised a gigantic fist and knocked three times on the castle door.


Subscribe below:

Perdu sur Kepler 852-b (Chapitre 2 : Descente et découverte)

(To read the English version, click here.)

            Bon maintenant je dois descendre cette falaise massive qui ressemble à ce putain d’El Capitan dans le parc de Yosemite. Le problème c’est que… depuis que je suis tombé d’un toit à l’âge de 18 ans en essayant d’impressionner ma copine avec un pique-nique composé du chocolat et des pétales de fleurs éparpillés, j’ai une peur viscérale des hauteurs. Mes membres se mettent à trembler violemment lorsque je regarde par-dessus bord.

            Le deuxième problème c’est que je n’ai jamais vraiment fait d’escalade dans ma vie. Quand j’avais vingt-neuf ans, j’ai emmené ma femme dans un de ces lieux d’escalade en salle lors d’un de nos premiers rendez-vous. Nous avons fait quelque chose qu’elle a appelé “free soloing”, ce qui signifie que nous avons grimpé sans corde. Elle avait l’air très sexy quand elle m’a botté le cul, naviguant comme un singe sur ces poignées colorées et amibiennes. J’avais déjà commencé à tomber amoureux d’elle à ce moment-là. Je suis assez fort, et je peux me débrouiller quand il s’agit d’activités sportives de loisir, mais j’ai appris une leçon importante ce jour-là quand il s’agit d’escalade : c’est plus une question de technique que de force brute. Il vaut mieux rester près du mur, être patient et prendre son temps. J’ai aussi appris : ne grimpez pas trop agressivement, sinon vos mains et vos membres se blesseront, deviendront inutiles, puis vous deviendrez imprudent. Imprudent = mauvais.

            Ma peur des hauteurs et mon manque de compétences en escalade font que je ne veux pas grimper quand il fait nuit, et je ne veux pas construire un de ces hamacs suspendus au milieu de la falaise. 1.) Parce que j’emmerde ça 2.) Parce que ce serait dangereux et que je ne dormirais pas. Je vais manquer de sommeil, je ferai probablement une erreur plus tard, et je mourrai.

            Donc je dois déterminer combien de lumière du jour il reste et à quelle vitesse je grimpe. Si je n’ai pas assez de lumière du jour, je descendrai demain à la pointe du jour.

           Pendant que ces pensées me traversent l’esprit, je réalise quelque chose qui me remplit de terreur : le cliquetis s’est arrêté, mon environnement est maintenant complètement silencieux. J’ai l’impression d’être dans un film d’horreur bon marché, juste avant que l’un des personnages les moins importants ne soit entraîné dans l’oubli/un autre film de second ordre. Mais malgré ma peur bleue, j’ai une idée. Ce silence me donne l’occasion de tester quelque chose…

           Je trouve un rocher à proximité, j’ouvre le chronomètre de ma tablette, je marche jusqu’au bord de la falaise, puis j’appuie sur “Démarrer” en même temps que je lâche le rocher. J’attends et j’écoute le faible impact : 5,6 secondes. Je le fais encore cinq fois et je prends la moyenne : 5,4 secondes. Avec ces informations, je peux faire un peu de physique.

            La seule autre chose dont je me souvienne de mon cours de physique au lycée, c’est quand j’ai écrit dans la marge de mon test final : Restez positif, restez positif, restez positif. Lorsque j’ai reçu mon “0/20“, j’ai vu que le professeur, le Dr. Blondel, avait écrit à côté de mon message en marge : Travaillez ! Travaillez ! Travaillez ! Je sais que vous pouvez obtenir un diplôme ! Eh bien, M. Blondel, même si j’ai abandonné le lycée, me voilà en train de lâcher des pierres sur une planète extraterrestre et de travailler. Vous êtes heureux maintenant ? !

            Sur ma tablette, je vérifie que cette planète a à peu près le même champ gravitationnel que la terre, ce qui fait que les objets tombent à la vitesse de 9,8 Newton/kilogramme (il doit y avoir un gravimètre intégré à l’intérieur). En supposant que Kepler-852b a également la même résistance à l’air (s’il vous plaît, Jésus de l’espace, faites que ce soit vrai, s’il vous plaît), je fais un dessin sur la tablette. J’ai décidé de donner un nom à cette falaise ressemblant au Yosemite d’El Capitan pour l’éternité, La Montagne de Merde

            Comme l’accélération d’un objet dépend à la fois de la force et de la masse, la masse s’annule et j’obtiens g m/s au carré. Ensuite, je cherche et je trouve une autre équation sur la tablette pour trouver la hauteur et j’écris h = force gravitationnelle multiple par le temps au carré divisée par 2. Ma hauteur est donc 9,8 fois (5,4) au carré, le tout divisé par 2 = 142 mètres. Fait amusant : j’ai tapé impulsivement 142 mètres dans la barre de recherche et j’ai trouvé une image de ” La falaise meurtrière “, une falaise sur Traelanípan (une île entre l’Angleterre et l’Islande), également connue sous le nom de ” La falaise des esclaves “, où la légende dit que les Vikings avaient l’habitude de repousser les esclaves et les criminels. Intéressant ! La voici :  

            El Capitan Yosemite fait en fait 900 mètres de haut, soit environ six fois plus que la falaise que je m’apprête à descendre. D’accord, j’exagère un peu.

            Maintenant, pour déterminer la quantité de lumière du jour qui reste, je vais utiliser la tablette de confiance. Allez Walter, concentre-toi.

            Contrairement à la Terre, qui tourne une fois toutes les 24 heures, cette planète tourne une fois toutes les 48 heures. Pourquoi ? J’ai appris au cours de mon voyage que la vitesse de rotation d’une planète est déterminée par le moment angulaire initial de la planète lors de sa formation (ma femme et moi avons vu à un “exposé scientifique” pendant le voyage). Notre terre est probablement entrée en collision avec une autre planète à l’époque, ce qui nous a donné notre lune et a probablement ralenti la rotation de la terre. Peut-être que cette Kepler 852-b a été frappée par deux planètes… ou par le gros cul de ta mère. En tout cas, j’ai trouvé sur la table une application appelée “Déterminer l’heure du coucher du soleil sur la planète.” Elle me demandait de prendre une vidéo de l’horizon de la planète puis de me déplacer vers le soleil de la planète. Pendant que je fais cela, je vois la tablette calculer l’angle. Ensuite, je dois taper ma position en latitude (en supposant que le vaisseau écrasé ne s’est pas trop éloigné de sa trajectoire, j’utilise la latitude que nous avons apprise lors des briefings du voyage : 31 degrés). L’application détermine donc qu’il me reste environ 10 heures de jour. A noter qu’en raison de l’inclinaison relativement importante de cette planète (44 degrés, soit presque le double de celle de la Terre qui est de 23,5 degrés) et de sa révolution rapide (1 rotation complète chaque semaine), les saisons changent beaucoup plus vite que sur Terre, mais je m’en soucierai plus tard (la température n’a cessé de se refroidir).  

            Dernière étape : voyons à quelle vitesse ce petit garçon peut se déplacer.

            Heureusement, les 300 mètres de filament de fer et les 30 mètres de corde que la NASA m’a donnés ont des petites marques tous les mètres. Merci, NASA, d’avoir pensé à ce détail.

            Si je peux descendre à une moyenne de 20 mètres par heure, je devrais pouvoir arriver au fond avant le coucher du soleil avec un peu de temps en réserve (3 heures pour atteindre le navire). Mais cela me donne probablement plus de crédit que je ne le mérite.

            Maintenant, la partie la plus importante, comment descendre avec toute ma merde. Je tape dans la barre de recherche de ma tablette : comment descendre une falaise ? Oui, je suis vraiment un amateur.

            La première vidéo qui est apparue était Les bases du rappel 101. Très bien, qu’est-ce que le rappel ?

            Descendre une paroi rocheuse ou une autre surface quasi verticale à l’aide d’une double corde enroulée autour du corps et fixée à un point plus élevé. Oui ! Connaissance !

            On dirait que je vais devoir fabriquer un harnais en utilisant le filament de fer et le filet. Cela va m’écraser des couilles. Mais mieux vaut avoir écrasé des couilles et continuer à être en vie. 

          De plus, j’aurai besoin de ce truc de rappel pour pouvoir le récupérer. Je regarde donc une autre vidéo sur la façon de monter un ancrage de rappel récupérable. Oui, ces tablettes contiennent des millions de vidéos. Merci encore à la NASA, bande d’enfoirés intelligents et débrouillards !

            Ok, je dois donc construire un noeud fantôme, qui est un noeud qui m’empêchera de tomber de la falaise en descendant, mais qui sera aussi récupérable si je tire dessus très fort plusieurs fois.

            L’horloge fait tic-tac, comme d’habitude , alors je crée immédiatement un ancrage au sommet en coupant puis en attachant de longues bandes de fil de fer à deux arbres, créant ainsi un triangle (pour répartir le poids qui tirera dessus lors de la descente initiale). Ces bandes de filaments de fer devront être laissées derrière. 

            Je prends donc la partie centrale de la corde, que j’ai doublée en forme de “U”, et je l’enroule autour de l’ancre, de sorte qu’elle ait la forme d’un sucre d’orge. Ensuite, je prends une des cordes du “U” (les deux sont parallèles au sucre d’orge) et je l’enfile dans le fond du sucre d’orge en “U”, en tirant simultanément sur l’autre corde pour former le nœud. Je le fais huit fois. Nœud fantôme…terminé. Quand je veux récupérer la corde pendant la décente, je dois tirer sur une des cordes plusieurs fois, en attendant de sentir un “pop” à chaque fois que le nœud se casse, jusqu’à ce que tous les nœuds soient faits et que la corde tombe pour retrouver papa. 

            Mais maintenant, je dois créer quelque chose pour soulager la tension de la corde en descendant, afin de ne pas défaire le nœud fantôme involontairement en descendant la falaise et en devenant un fantôme. Je vais essayer de limiter la force de traction sur la corde en m’accrochant aux crevasses et aux rochers, mais en regardant en bas, je vois que la falaise n’a pas toujours d’endroits où je peux m’accrocher, alors je vais devoir compter sur l’ancre au sommet (ou à l’endroit où je m’attacherai plus tard) pour soutenir mon corps et mes provisions.

            Je tape dans la tablette : les fournitures essentielles pour le rappel. Je trouve quelque chose qui ressemble à un ” dispositif d’assurage”, qui ressemble à quelque chose attaché à mon couteau multi-usage. Je vais m’en servir. J’y fais passer ma double corde. Je tremble en faisant cela, en pensant à l’une de mes chansons de rap préférées : j’suis dans le premier Mario, À chaque fois, j’crois que j’ai fini le jeu, ça repart à zero.

            Souviens-toi, Walter : tu dois toujours rester perpendiculaire au rocher. Ne gaspille pas l’énergie. Suis ta progrès. 

            Afin d’éviter que le filament de fer et le filet ne me coupent l’aine, j’utiliserai un sac de couchage comme partie du harnais. Ah oui, c’est beaucoup mieux. Mes couilles seront sauvées ! J’ai aussi coupé un peu plus de filaments de fer pour créer cinq mousquetons de fortune, qui me bloqueront dans la corde. C’est parti …

            6 heures plus tard…

            J’ai avancé plus vite que je ne le pensais, assez vite pour justifier une descente aujourd’hui au lieu d’attendre demain, mais ce n’était pas amusant, et je ne veux pas en parler. Je suis épuisé. Mais le soleil de Kepler 852-b est sur le point de se coucher et j’aimerais atteindre le vaisseau spatial avant la nuit. Je mange un tube d’énergie (29 restant) et ça a le goût de sirop contre la toux aromatisé au bubblegum (peut-être que la NASA n’a pas pensé à tout, ou peut-être qu’il y a un compromis entre le goût et la densité des calories) et je fais du jogging en direction du navire. Mon environnement est encore silencieux.

            Le terrain est semblable aux prairies de la Terre, avec quelques rochers ici et là. Après deux heures de jogging, je vois quelque chose qui ressemble à un morceau du vaisseau, une aile, qui dépasse du sol. Souvenez-vous, le navire transportait 300 humains. Ce putain de truc est énorme.

            J’arrive au vaisseau, m’attendant stupidement à une fête de bienvenue. “Monsieur Wanky ! Vous êtes vivant ! Où diable étiez-vous ?!” Mais il n’y a personne ici. On dirait que la chose a été vidée de son contenu. En se promenant, en criant : “Il y a quelqu’un ?” je vois quelque chose qui me fait tomber à terre, à genoux.

            

Os. Les os humains. Mais pas le genre d’os auquel on s’attend, avec des restes de corps dessus, mais des os d’un blanc éclatant, comme s’ils avaient été aspirés après un concours de mangeurs d’ailes de poulet. Ils sont éparpillés dans l’épave. Qu’est-ce qui s’est passé, putain ?  

            J’arrive à peine à comprendre à quoi ressemblait le vaisseau spatial. Quelque chose de vraiment gros a dû attaquer ce vaisseau après son écrasement.  

            Je dois espérer que certaines personnes se sont échappées. Il y a beaucoup d’os, mais pas assez pour 300 humains, je pense. Je dois avertir les survivants que je suis toujours en vie. Je dois faire un feu.

            Je vais faire un feu et me cacher dans l’épave. Comme ça, si un extraterrestre monstrueux revient pour me manger, je me cacherai et j’espère être en sécurité. Je compte sur les extraterrestres qui ont un faible sens de l’odorat, parce que je sens déjà comme le cul d’un rat.

            Je scrute l’épave et je trouve une petite caverne en haut d’un tas de décombres. J’y cache toutes mes provisions, puis je cherche des choses inflammables. Après une heure de recherche, je trouve quelques livres (le navire contenait une bibliothèque sur papier). Il y a aussi quelques bâtons en forme de brindilles sur le sol à l’extérieur du périmètre du navire écrasé. Après avoir regardé un court tutoriel sur la meilleure façon de faire un feu, j’arrache les pages (Seul sur Mars d’Andy Weir) et les enfonce sous une petite cabane en brindilles. Ensuite, je fais le feu en utilisant la barre de fer, aussi appelée ferrocérium. L’alliage (70 % de cérium et 30 % de fer) produit des étincelles lorsqu’il est rayé par ma lame en acier au carbone. Les minuscules copeaux sont oxydés et voilà : le feu. Mais le feu est vert et sent les ordures. Baaahhh, ça veut dire que c’est toxique ? En tous cas, je retourne à ma cachette. Le soleil s’est complètement couché. Il est temps d’attendre.

            Pendant vingt minutes, je fixe le petit feu vert, priant à nouveau Jésus de l’espace, regardant la fumée s’élever dans le ciel rempli d’étoiles. Heureusement, les brindilles (j’ai tapé : qu’est-ce que le feu vert ? dans ma tablette : contient potentiellement du sulfate de cuivre ou de l’acide borique) brûlent lentement. Faites en sorte qu’un humain puisse voir cela et savoir que je suis en vie. S’il vous plaît, laissez ma femme voir ça, si elle a réussi à s’en sortir…

            J’entends un bruit bizarre de succion, de glissement et de cliquetis au bord de l’ombre. Ce cliquetis et cette succion ressemblent aux bruits que j’ai entendus au sommet de La Montagne de Merde. Je retiens mon souffle.

            Quelque chose d’énorme émerge de l’ombre. Je fais de mon mieux pour ne pas crier d’horreur et de désespoir.

…Chapitre 3, à venir, abonnez-vous :

Lost on Kepler 852-b (Chapter 2: Descent and Discovery)

(Pour lire la version française, cliquez ici.)

            All right, so now I have to descend this massive cliff. Problem is… ever since I fell through a roof when I was eighteen while trying to impress my girlfriend with a rooftop picnic with scattered flower petals I have a visceral fear of heights. My limbs start shaking violently while I look over the edge.

            Second problem is that I’ve never done any serious rock climbing in my life. When I was twenty-nine, I took my future wife to one of those indoor rock-climbing places on one of our first dates. We did something she called, “Free soloing” which means we climbed without ropes. She looked sexy as hell as she kicked my ass, navigating those colored, amoeba-handles like a monkey. I had already started falling in love with her by then. I’m fairly strong, but I learned an important lesson that day when it comes to rock-climbing: it’s more about technique than brute force. Better to stay close to the wall, be patient, and take your time. I also learned: don’t climb too aggressively or your hands and limbs will get sore, become useless, then you’ll become careless. Carelessness is bad.

            My fear of heights and my lack of climbing skills means that I don’t want to be climbing when it’s dark, and I don’t want to construct one of those suspended-sleeping-hammocks in the middle of the cliff.

            So I need to figure out how much daylight is left and how fast I climb. If I don’t have enough daylight I’ll descend tomorrow at the crack of dawn.

           While these thoughts rush through my head I realize something that fills me with terror: the clicking has stopped, my surroundings are now completely silent.

           With shaking hands I pull out of my survival sack a battery-powered, Kepler 852-b star-powered tablet, find a rock nearby, walk to the edge of the cliff, then press ‘start’ on the tablet stopwatch as I simultaneously drop the rock. I wait and listen for the faint impact: 5.6 seconds. I do this five more times and take the average: 5.4 seconds. With this information my tablet can do some physics…

             I verify that this planet has about the same gravitational field as earth, causing objects to fall at the rate of 9.8 Newton/kilogram (there must be a built-in gravimeter inside it). Assuming that Kepler 852-b also has the same air resistance (please Space Jesus make this be true, please), I enter the information into tablet and type in the command bar: find the distance.

             142 meters / 465 feet

            Now to determine how much daylight is left with the help of the trusty tablet.

            Unlike earth, which rotates once every 24 hours, this planet rotates once every 48 hours. I found an application on the table called: “Determine Time of Sunset on Planet.” It instructed me to take a video of the planet’s horizon then to shift up to the planet’s sun. While I am doing that I see the tablet calculating the angle. Then I have to type in my latitude location (assuming the crashed ship didn’t land too far off course, I use the latitude that we learned in the voyage briefings: 31 degrees). Okay, so the application determines that I have about 10 hours of daylight left. My table pops up a warning: due to this planet’s relatively large tilt (44 degrees, almost double our Earth’s tilt of 23.5 degrees) and fast revolution (1 full rotation every week), the seasons change much faster than on earth, but I’ll worry about that later (the temperature has been getting steadily colder).  This planet’s equivalent winter should arrive in 28 hours.

            Final step: let’s see how fast this little boy can move.

            Luckily, the 300 yards of iron filament and 30 yards of rope that NASA gave me has little marks every meter. Thank you, NASA, for thinking of this detail.

            If I can descend an average of 20 meters/65 feet per hour, I should be able to make it to bottom before sunset with some time to spare (3 hours to reach the ship). But that’s probably giving me more credit than I deserve.

            Now, the most important part, how to descend with all my shit. I type into my tablet search bar: how to descend a cliff. Yes, I’m an amateur.

            The first video that popped up was Rappelling basics 101. All right, what’s rappelling:

            Descend a rock face or other near-vertical surface using a double rope coiled around the body and fixed at a higher point; also known as abseil. Knowledge!

            Looks like I’m going to have to make a harness using the iron filament and the net. This is going to crush my nuts. But better to have crushed nuts and continue being alive. 

          Also, I’ll need this rappelling/abseil thing to be retrievable. So I watch another video on How to Rig A Retrievable Rappelling Anchor. Yes, these tablets have millions of videos. Thank you again NASA, you intelligent, resourceful motherfuckers!

            Okay, so I have to construct a Ghost Knot, which is a knot that will keep me from falling down the cliff as I descend, but will also be retrievable if I pull hard on it a bunch of times…

            I immediately create an anchor at the top by cutting then tying long strips of the iron filament to two trees, creating a triangle (to distribute the weight that will pull on it during the initial descent). These iron filament strips will have to be left behind.  

            So I take the center part of the rope, which I’ve doubled up in the shape of a ‘U’, and wrap it around the anchor, so it is in the shape of a candy cane. Then I take one of the ropes of the ‘U’ (the two are parallel to the candy cane) and thread it through the bottom of the ‘U’ candy cane, simultaneously pulling on the other rope to form the knot. I do this eight times. Ghost Knot…complete. When I want the rope back during the decent I’ll have to tug on one of the ropes repeatedly, waiting to feel a ‘pop’ as each knot breaks, until all the knots are popped and the rope falls down to reunite with daddy. 

            But now I need to create something to relieve the tension of the rope as I descend, so I don’t undo the Ghost Knot unintentionally as I climb down the cliff and become a ghost. I’ll be trying to limit how much I pull on the rope by holding on to the crevices and rocks, but looking down I see that the cliff doesn’t always have places for me to hold on to, so I’ll have to rely on the anchor at the summit (or wherever I tie myself to later on) to support my body and supplies.

            I type into the tablet: essential rappelling supplies. I find something that resembles a “belaying device,” that looks similar to something attached to my multi-use knife. I’ll use that. I thread my double rope through this. I’m shaking as I do this.

            Remember Walter: always keep yourself perpendicular to the rock. Don’t waste energy. Track your progress.

            In order to prevent the iron filament and net from cutting into my groin, I will use my sleeping bag as part of the harness. Ah yes, much better. My nuts will be saved! Also, I cut up a bunch more of the iron filament to create five, make-shift carabiners, which will lock me into the rope. Let’s do this…

            6 hours later…

            I moved faster than I thought I would, fast enough to justify a descent today instead of waiting until tomorrow, but that wasn’t fun, and I don’t want to talk about it. I’m exhausted. But the Kepler 852-b sun is about to set and I’d like to reach the ship before nightfall. I eat an energy tube (29 left) that tastes like bubble-gum cough syrup (maybe NASA didn’t think of everything, unless there’s a trade-off between taste and dense caloric content) and jog in the direction of the ship. My surroundings are still silent.

            The terrain is similar to earth’s grasslands, with a few rocks here and there. After two hours of jogging, I see something that looks like a piece of the ship, a wing, jutting out of the ground. Remember, the ship was transporting 300 humans. The thing’s fucking huge.

            I arrive at the ship, stupidly expecting a welcoming party. But there’s nobody here. It looks like the thing has been gutted. While wandering around yelling, “Is anyone there?” I see something that makes me fall to the ground, to my knees…

            Bones. Human bones. But not the kind of bones you’d expect, with remnants of bodies on them, but shiny-white bones, as if they were sucked clean after a chicken-wing eating contest. They are scattered throughout the wreckage. What the fuck happened?

            I barely make out what the ship used to look like. Something really big must have attacked this ship after it crashed.  

            I have to hope that some people escaped. There are a lot of bones, but not enough for 300 humans, I think. I have to alert the survivors that I’m still alive. I have to make a fire.

            What I’ll do is that I’ll make a fire and hide in the wreckage. That way if a monstrous alien comes back to eat me, I’ll be hiding, and hopefully be safe.

            I scout the wreckage and find a little cavern high up in a pile of rubble. I hide all my supplies there, then I look for flammable things. After an hour of searching I find some books (the ship contained a hard-copy library). There are also some twig-like sticks on the ground outside the perimeter of the crashed ship. After watching a short tutorial on: best way to construct a fire, I tear out the pages (The Martian by Andy Weirand shove them under a little twig-hut. Then I make the fire using the iron bar, also called a ferrocerium. The alloy (70% cerium and 30% iron) gives off sparks when scratched by my carbon-steel blade. The tiny shavings are oxidized as I scratch, ignite the paper, and voila: fire. But the fire is green and smells like trash. Hmmm, does that mean it’s toxic? I run back to my hiding place. The sun has completely set. Time to wait.

            For twenty minutes I stare at the little green fire, praying to Space Jesus again, watching the smoke twist up into the star-filled sky. Thankfully, the twigs (I typed in: what is green fire? into my tablet: potentially contains copper sulfate or boric acid) burns slowly. Please let a human see this and know I’m alive. Please let me wife see this, if she somehow made it out….

            I hear a bizarre sucking, slithering, clicking sound at the edge of the shadows. The clicking and sucking sounds just like the noises that I heard at the top of the where my part of the ship crashed. I hold my breath.

            Something massive emerges from the shadows. I do my best not to scream in horror.

…Chapter 3…coming soon…subscribe below

Lost on Kepler 852-b (Chapter 1: Shipwreck)

(Pour lire la version française, cliquez ici.)

            I woke up in a pile of rubble 1,602 light-years from earth.

            Son of a slitch.

            My last memory was during the descent when something collided with the spacecraft. My wife and I ran to the emergency-landing chambers, like we had learned during training. I was locked in mine and I looked at my wife’s face one last time, before there was another collision and everything went black.

            My landing chamber must have separated from the rest of the ship. And I must have inhaled some leaking anesthesia by accident because I feel dizzy, sick, and thirsty enough to drink torch fluid or that nasty medicine the NASA scientists made us take for interstellar travel. Around me there’s a thick jungle with twisted trees like I’ve never seen before, even in the voyage briefings. Where are the others? Where’s the rest of the ship?

            My vision is blurry and my mouth is desiccated: first, before the finding the others, I need water.

            I crawl to my survival kit, hacking up a lung. My throat feels like it’s been scratched by sand-paper. But the NASA scientists were right, I can breathe and the atmosphere and the gravity are like earth. Kepler-852b is located in the “habitable zone” of a star practically identical to our sun in the “northern” part of the Milky Way Galaxy. I take out the metal water bottle and chug.

            Once my thirst was quenched, I become my lost in my thoughts. Amongst all the passengers aboard the ship, United Republic Migration #2, there is no doubt that I am the least qualified to be alone on this planet. When I was on earth I was a janitor at a high school who wrote a sci-fi blog on the weekends. On a whim, I applied, with my wife, for the lottery to be a part of The Great Migration to Kepler-852b. NASA wanted to include all members of society on the spaceship, which would carry 300 passengers, and not only the elite. My wife and I were chosen to represent “the common people” who also deserved a chance to live another life on another planet. I bet NASA just did that for positive publicity and to receive more public funding. In my application essay for the lottery, I wrote that my wife and I had couldn’t have children and dreamed of leaving on this great adventure. That must have pulled the heartstrings. In any case, they chose us, my essay was published in major newspapers, and now I’m here. Lots of other passengers weren’t prepared to survive alone which is why everyone was equipped with such a good survival kit. But still, I think I’m the worst. My specialized skills include knowing the right cleaning liquids to remove graffiti from bathroom stalls and how to fix a toilet. I don’t even know how to make a fire. 

            However, nobody was expected to survive alone. The spaceship was going to land near a place where the first spaceship, United Republic Migration #1, had landed a year ago. A city was supposed to have been under construction (which I was going to help clean!) I wonder if our vessel went far off course. I wonder what hit us in the sky. I wonder if I’m the only one who survived. I think about my wife and I feel a pain rise in my chest. No. She’s still alive. I don’t know why I know this, but I know it, that’s all. I have to believe it. 

            I have to find my wife and the others or I’m a dead man. I survey my surroundings.

            I take out my axe and tie the sack on my back. It’s then I hear an ominous clicking in the jungle around me. It sounds like an insect. Son of a slitch, I hope it’s not a giant insect. I hate insects.

            I walk in the opposite direction of the sound and make a path through the jungle. The leaves are soft like silk, some of them are blue, and the light sparkles on the trunks of the trees. I would say the place was beautiful if I wasn’t trying not to die.

            The jungle becomes thicker with crisscrossing branches and I use my axe to chop them. As I cut through the wood-like material (it breaks more easily than wood and emits a minty smell), I feel a rumbling in the ground and hear a peculiar noise, like pressurized air passing quickly through a tube. This makes me nervous and I start bushwhacking faster. The noise becomes louder. I approach a trembling wall of foliage. I push through the leaves and fall off a ledge.

            The air rushes past me and I blindly search for anything to grab a hold of. I grab hold of a root that protrudes from a rock. My sack slips off my back but I’m able to just snatch a handle. I swing in the air.

            After pulling my sack over my shoulder I just swing there for a minute, my heart pounding in my throat, my breathing ragged and heavy. I look down and see jutting rocks, maybe five hundred feet below.

            I look up and see that there is a network of intertwining roots, all the way up to the ledge. The foliage forms a thick wall on the edge of the cliff.

            I climb up the hanging roots, then drag myself and the sack on to the cliff. I sit down and wait for my breathing to settle. Dying from falling off a cliff. That would have been anticlimactic. Cross the Milky Way to the constellation of Cygnus and then stumble over a ledge and splatter on some rocks.

            I get up, carefully push a few leaves aside, and look out.

            Yup, my emergency landing chamber landed on the top of a cliff, a mountain, on the edge of a vertical drop. Looking down, I see that beyond the roots is a practically vertical rock face with small ledges and protruding slabs. Then, looking into the distant valley, I see something that makes me gasp.

            The spaceship. It had crashed in the grassy-like valley below. 

          No wonder I woke up alone. The survivors of the ship would never have climbed this steep mountain looking for me. They must still be down there. The ship was filled with all our provisions, of course. They probably formed a base there, then sent out scouts. I couldn’t see the ship’s details from afar. But I knew I had to go. It was my only chance of survival.

            For the next two hours I wander around the jungle, attempting to find a path off the cliff, but it’s a steep drop all around. Weird. And unlucky.

            I discover the source of the clicking. In the middle of the jungle there’s a deep, wide hole that reminds me of a volcano. The clicking is coming from there. The hole is so deep that it’s black at the bottom, and the sides are smooth, impossible for me to climb down without sliding into the abyss. No clicking abyss for Walter Wanky. Yes, that’s my real name. Please save the jokes.  

            It looks like I’m going to have to find a way to descend the cliff. 

            Problem is, I’m scared of heights and I don’t know how to rock-climb, or rock-descend, or whatever they call it.

            But if I don’t get off this cliff and find help, I’m a dead man.

            Fuck.


Chapter 2, coming soon, subscribe below:

Perdu sur Kepler 852-b (Chapitre 1 : Naufrage)

(To read the English version, click here.)

            Je me suis réveillé dans un tas de décombres à 1 602 années-lumière de la terre.

            Putain.

            Mon dernier souvenir est celui de la descente lorsque quelque chose est entré en collision avec le vaisseau spatial. Ma femme et moi avons sprinté vers nos chambres d’atterrissage d’urgence, comme on nous l’avait appris pendant l’entraînement. Je me suis enfermé et j’ai regardé son visage encore une fois, avant qu’il y ait une autre collision et que tout devienne noir.

            Ma chambre d’atterrissage a dû se séparer du reste du navire. Et j’ai dû inhaler une partie de l’anesthésique, par accident, car je me sens étourdi, malade et assoiffé pour boire le liquide d’aullumage ou ce mauvais médicament que les scientifiques de la NASA nous ont fait prendre pour les voyages interstellaires. Autour de moi, il y a une jungle épaisse avec des arbres tordus que je n’avais jamais vus auparavant, même dans les briefings de voyage. Où sont tous les autres ? Où est le reste du navire ?

            Ma vision est floue et ma bouche est horriblement desséchée: d’abord, avant de trouver les autres, j’ai besoin d’eau.

            Heureusement, chaque chambre d’atterrissage d’urgence est équipée d’un kit de survie. Chaque passager en avait un. Il contient un marmite, un sac de couchage isolé et gonflable, une petite hache, une barre de fer produisant des étincelles, une bouteille d’eau métallique à usages multiples (avec de l’eau déjà à l’intérieur), un récupérateur d’eau portable, un filet, un couteau à usages multiples, 3,5 livres de fil de fer (un filament unique de 300 mètres), 30 mètres de corde, 30 tubes d’énergie alimentaire qui peuvent me durer au moins deux semaines et une tablet à énergie solaire pleine de données utiles (pour la survie). 15,4 kilogrammes de materiel, le tout emballé efficacement dans un sac. Pas mal. Sauf que je suis sur une putain de planète extraterrestre et que les humains n’ont pratiquement aucune idée de ce qu’il y a ici.

            Je rampe jusqu’à mon kit de survie, en crachant un poumon. J’ai l’impression que ma gorge a été éraflée par du papier de verre. Mais les scientifiques de la NASA avaient raison, je peux respirer et l’atmosphère et la gravité sont comme la terre. Kepler-852b est situé dans la “zone habitable” d’une étoile presque identique au soleil terrestre. Je sors la bouteille d’eau en métal et je bois. Le goût est délicieux. Les petites choses de la vie.

            Une fois ma soif étanchée, je ne peux pas m’empêcher de sourire devant l’absurdité de ma situation. De tous les passagers du navire de United Republic Migration N°2, il ne fait aucun doute que je suis le moins qualifié pour être seul sur cette planète. Lorsque j’étais sur terre, j’étais concierge dans un lycée et j’écrivais un blog de science-fiction le week-end. Sur un coup de tête, je me suis inscrit, avec ma femme, à une loterie pour participer à la Grande Migration vers Kepler-852b. La NASA voulait inclure tous les membres de la société dans le vaisseau spatial, qui pouvait contenir 300 passagers, et pas seulement l’élite. Ma femme et moi avons été choisis pour représenter les “humains ordinaires” qui méritaient aussi une chance de vivre une autre vie sur une autre planète. Je parie que la NASA a fait cela pour une publicité positive et pour obtenir davantage de fonds publics. Dans mon dossier de candidature à la loterie, j’ai écrit que ma femme et moi ne pouvions pas avoir d’enfants et rêvions de partir pour cette grande aventure. Cela a dû toucher assez de cœurs pour nous faire participer à la loterie. Quoi qu’il en soit, nous avons été choisis, mon essai a été publié dans de grands journaux, et maintenant je suis là. Bon. Beaucoup d’autres passagers n’étaient pas préparés à survivre seuls, comme moi, c’est pourquoi tout le monde était équipé d’un kit de survie aussi bien garni. Mais quand même, je crois que je suis le pire. Mes compétences spécialisées comprennent la connaissance des liquides de nettoyage appropriés pour enlever les graffitis et la manière de réparer une toilette. Je ne sais même pas comment faire un feu.

            Cependant, personne n’était censé survivre seul. Le vaisseau spatial allait atterrir près de l’endroit où le premier, United Republic Migration N°1, avait atterri il y a un an. Une ville était censée être en construction (dans laquelle j’allais aider à nettoyer ! Tout le monde fait sa part !) Je me demande jusqu’où notre vaisseau a dévié de sa route. Je me demande ce qui nous a heurté dans le ciel. Je me demande si je suis le seul survivant. Je pense à ma femme et je ressens une douleur montante dans la poitrine. Non. Elle est toujours en vie. Je ne sais pas pourquoi je sais cela, mais je le sais, c’est tout. Je dois le croire.

            Assez de questions et de spéculations. Je n’ai pas le temps. Je dois trouver ma femme et les autres ou je suis un homme mort. Il faut surveiller les environs.

            Je sors ma hache et j’attache le sac sur mon dos. C’est alors que j’entends un cliquetis inquiétant dans la jungle qui m’entoure. On dirait un insecte. Fils de pute, j’espère que ce n’est pas un insecte géant. Je déteste les insectes.

            Je marche dans la direction opposée au son et je me fraie un chemin dans la jungle. Les feuilles sont douces comme de la soie, certaines sont bleues, et la lumière scintille sur les troncs des arbres. Je dirais que l’environnement est magnifique si je n’espérais pas ne pas mourir.

            La jungle devient plus épaisse avec des branches qui s’entrecroisent et je les coupe avec ma hache. Lorsque je coupe la matière qui ressemble à du bois (elle se casse plus facilement que le bois et dégage une odeur mentholée), je sens un grondement dans le sol et j’entends un bruit particulier, comme de l’air sous pression passant rapidement dans un tube. Cela me rend nerveux et je coupe plus vite à travers les branches. Le bruit devient plus fort. Je m’approche d’un mur de feuillage tremblant. Je pousse à travers les feuilles et je tombe d’un rebord.

            L’air se précipite devant moi et je cherche aveuglément quelque chose à quoi m’accrocher. Je m’accroche à une racine qui dépasse d’un rocher. Mon sac glisse de mon dos mais je suis juste capable d’attraper la poignée. Je me balance en l’air.

            Après avoir tiré mon sac sur l’épaule, je me suis balancé pendant une minute, le cœur battant dans la gorge, la respiration étant lourde. Je regarde en bas et je vois des rochers déchiquetés, peut-être 150 mètres plus bas.

            Je lève les yeux et je vois qu’il y a un réseau de racines qui s’entremêlent, jusqu’à la corniche. Le feuillage forme un mur épais au bord de la falaise.   

            Je grimpe sur les racines suspendues, puis je me traîne avec le sac jusqu’à la falaise. Je m’assieds et j’attends que ma respiration se calme. Mourir d’une chute dans une falaise. C’est un peu décevante. Traverser la Voie Lactée jusqu’à la constellation du Cygnus pour ensuite faire un faux pas et s’écraser sur les rochers.

            Je me lève, écarte soigneusement quelques feuilles et regarde au-delà.

            Ouais, ma chambre d’atterrissage d’urgence a atterri au sommet d’une falaise, d’une montagne, sur le bord d’une chute verticale. En regardant en bas, je vois qu’au-delà des racines, il y a une paroi rocheuse pratiquement verticale avec de petits rebords et des dalles en saillie. Puis, en regardant dans la vallée lointaine, je vois quelque chose qui me fait haleter.

            Le vaisseau spatial. Il s’était écrasé dans la vallée en contrebas.

            Pas étonnant que je me sois réveillé seul. Les survivants du vaisseau n’auraient jamais pu escalader cette montagne escarpée. Ils doivent encore être en bas. Le vaisseau était rempli de toutes nos provisions, bien sûr. Ils ont probablement formé une base là-bas, puis ont envoyé des éclaireurs. Je ne pouvais pas voir les détails du navire au loin. Mais je savais qu’il fallait que j’y aille. C’était ma seule chance de survivre.

            Pendant les deux heures qui suivent, j’erre dans la jungle, en essayant de trouver un chemin pour sortir de la falaise, mais c’est une pente raide tout autour. Bizarre. Et malchanceux.

            Je découvre la source du cliquetis. Au milieu de la jungle, il y a un trou profond et large qui me rappelle un volcan. Le cliquetis venait de là. Le trou est si profond qu’il est noir au fond, et les côtés sont lisses, impossible pour moi de descendre sans glisser dans l’abîme. Pas d’abîme mystérieux pour Walter Wanky. Oui, c’est mon vrai nom. S’il vous plaît, gardez vos blagues pour vous. Je les ai toutes entendues.

            Il semble que je vais devoir trouver un moyen de descendre la falaise. 

            Le problème, c’est que j’ai peur des hauteurs et je ne sais pas comment faire de l’escalade, ou de la descente, ou peu importe comment ils appellent ça.

            Mais si je ne descends pas de cette falaise et que je ne trouve pas d’aide, je suis un homme mort.

            J’emmerde.

—–

Chapitre 2, à venir, abonnez-vous :

Michael Coleman (Part 1: Injustice)

Photo Credit: Wiki Commons: George Floyd Protest Against Police Brutality in Dallas, author Matthew T. Rader

            About the middle of the 21st century there lived in Bedford-Stuyvesant, New York a young man named Michael Coleman, the son of an English high school teacher, who was one of the most honorable as well as one of the most violent men of his generation. Until his eighteenth year this extraordinary young man could have been considered a shining symbol of civil virtues with a bright future in front of him. He had a full scholarship to Columbia University, was a track star who set New York State records in the mile (4:01.3) and 800 meters (1:49.2), and he volunteered every weekend at a local nursing home (Concord); he had not one neighbor or classmate who did not consider him generous, charming, and kind; in short, the world would have had cause to revere his memory, had he not experienced horrible tragedy and pursed one of his virtues to suicidal destruction. For his sense of justice would make him not only a murderer, but a hunted terrorist that would shake the very foundations of American democracy.

            One Saturday night he was returning home with his younger brother, Jaqual, from a party at a trap house (where he kissed his high school crush for the first time) when his mother met them at the door in a panic. “Boys, I talked to grannie a few hours ago and she said she’s not feeling well, and now she’s not picking up her phone, go check on her, quick!” Their grandmother lived only half a mile away on the first floor of a brownstone by herself, and the boys sprinted through the streets, desperate to save the woman they loved the most in the world (every Sunday they walked their grannie to Greater Free Gift Baptist Church). Just as it was beginning to pour with rain the boys heard a siren. A police car cut them off and four officers jumped out with their weapons raised.

            “Put your hands up!” The boys put up their hands. 

            “Stay calm,” whispered Michael to Jaqual, who knew that his younger brother had a short fuse. “Just do what they say.” A minute passed until a cop yelled,

            “On your knees!”

            “Officer, our grandma is sick, she’s alone and needs to go to the hospital, we are not engaged in any illegal activity, she lives at 101 Stockton Street and if you follow us we-”

            “Shut up! Don’t give me any of your bullshit excuses. Sprinting through the Tompkins’ projects on a Saturday night? Visiting your sick grandmother, my ass.” The other cops chuckled.

            “Officer you don’t understand, our grandmother has a heart condition and if she doesn’t receive medical attention soon she-” Jamal stood up. Michael glared at his brother. “What are you doing, you idiot?”

            “Get down!” But Jamal attempted to run past the police officers. One of them, Derek Chovin, a corpulent member of Blue Lives Matter, tackled him and pushed his face against the pavement. “Search him!” Another cop patted down Jaqual’s jacket and pulled out a dime-bag of marijuana and a swiss-army knife. “He’s carrying.” Jaqual stared at his brother and yelled,

            “Michael run!” At the same moment the police officer yelled, “Shut up, you little-” and pushed his knee against Jaqual’s neck. Michael heard, even with the rain pelting down, a distinct *crack* and saw Jaqual’s eyes roll into the back of his head. In horror Michael stood up and sprinted past the police car. The cops fired their guns, but missed. The neighbors came to their windows and watched as a young man ran away from the police and disappeared at the end of the block.

            Once Michael reached his grandmother’s brownstone, he found her lying unconscious on the kitchen floor. She wasn’t breathing. He called 9-1-1, gave her C.P.R. (breaking her ribs), and ten minutes later an ambulance arrived. Michael rode in the ambulance to the hospital, tears forming rivulets on his cheeks, while the medics used an automated external defibrillator. He told himself that he didn’t just abandon his younger brother and that everything would be all right. 

            The first few hours after a heart attack is called the critical period. Every second counts. The quicker the blood flow is restored and the treatment instituted, the better the chances of survival, and the better the chances of keeping the heart muscle alive.

            But when Michael and his grandmother arrived at the emergency room (she was immediately taken to the intensive care unit), the doctors knew it was too late. Michael’s grandmother had passed away, her soul moving on from this bitter, sorrowful world. If she had arrived a few minutes sooner, she might have survived.

            When Michael and his mother, Breonna, received the news in the waiting room, they burst into tears and held each other in their trembling arms. Michael had always acted like the father in the family, and had always tried to act stronger than the felt. But Michael knew they couldn’t waste time mourning when his brother had likely been taken in by the authorities.

            “Ma, I think Jaqual’s really hurt, I saw a police officer push his knee against his neck, then the cops fired at me when I ran away, we have to go find him.” But little did they know that the political machine of unjust law enforcement was already working against them. While Michael was with his grandmother on the way to hospital, the police at the scene of their crime were already attempting to cover up their abuse and mistakes. They interviewed neighbors, created false-witness reports, and manipulating the neighbors’ fear and lack of knowledge, had them sign the incriminating documents. The cops convened amongst themselves and agreed upon a fabricated story about what had happened: both of the boys attempted to run away, one of the boys was tackled and once the marijuana was discovered he attempted to stab the police officer with his knife, the police officer (Derek Chovin) was forced to defend himself and struck the boy in the neck with his hand, rendering him unconscious. Meanwhile, the other boy got away, shooting at the police officers while he ran. The police officers were unable to find the second boy’s gun. Meanwhile, while the cops were creating the false story (which they agreed to repeat under oath if necessary, since they were all trusted colleagues and friends, often sharing beers together after shifts), Jaqual’s body was slumped against the seat in the back of the police officer. He was completely paralyzed, as his spinal cord had been cracked, and was in desperate need of medical attention. The police officers took him to the 79th precinct instead of the hospital, and placed him in a holding cell, where he lightly groaned on a cot.

            Michael and Breonna arrived at the 81st precinct, searching for Jaqual. The indifferent and tired police officers (it was 3:55 am) made them wait for thirty minutes while they called nearby precincts. But since Michael’s story of what occurred did not match what the police officers had reported, the 79th precinct did not have any record of admitting a boy matching their description of what happened. Nonetheless, after another thirty minutes of waiting, Breonna and Michael decided to visit the 79thcprecinct anyway.

            Upon walking into the 79th precinct, Michael immediately recognized Derek Chovin behind a counter.

            “That’s him!” Michael shouted. “The cop who had his knee against Jacqual’s neck!” Michael also recognized two other police officers who had been on the scene, standing behind desks and filling out paperwork. For a moment the cops looked at one another in shock, uncertain of what to do, until the superior officer, Russel Shotski, took control,

            “Arrest him.” The police officers scurried towards Michael, pulling out handcuffs.

            “What? I did nothing wrong? Where’s Jaqual? What did you do with him?” Breonna stepped in front of Michael.

            “Where’s my son?! I want to see my son. Don’t you dare touch him! Back away!”

            “M’am, your sons both committed crimes tonight. One of them is in custody, and the one behind you fired a weapon at a police officer. Please step away.”

            “Fired at a police officer? Michael would never do that! He doesn’t even have a gun!”

            “I never fired a weapon! I ran away and you shot at me! My grandmother was dying. I had to-”

            “Take it easy boy. M’am, please step away. We don’t want to use force.” The police officers had blocked the exit and were circling the mother and son like wolves around sheep. Breonna had no doubt Michael did nothing wrong. While Jaqual had been a troublemaker growing up, Michael had never lied or had any conflicts with teachers or the authorities.

            “He did nothing wrong! I’m recording this bullshit. I want to see my son.” As she started to pull out her phone, Russel Shotski grabbed her arm.

            “I’m going to have to ask you to put your phone away. You’re not allowed to take videos in the precinct. We-”

            “Don’t you touch me you-” As Russel struggled with Breonna, his elbow smashed into her face and she fell to the ground.

            “No! You can’t-” Two officers were restraining Michael, who began shouting uncontrollably, and they managed to put his hands in cuffs. Blood streamed down Breonna’s face. She blinked rapidly, coughing and choking. Her nose was broken and she felt dizzy. One of the officers picked up her phone and put it in his pocket. They would never have done this in broad daylight. Russel attempted to help Breonna stand up.

            “M’am, I’m so sorry I knocked you down. But you need to cooperate. We’re trying to help and-” she pushed herself away and let out a scream.

            “Don’t touch me you monster!” She hoisted herself up, wiping the blood off her mouth, and glared at all the officers in the precinct.

            “Give me my phone.”

            “I’m sorry m’am, we can’t do that.”

            “I said give me my phone. That’s my private property.”

            “You resisted a police officer. You attacked him when-”

            “I ATTACKED NOBODY. WHERE IS MY SON?!” Breonna was becoming hysteric. She looked balefully at the police officers in front of her, who showed no signs of empathy or mercy, and at Michael being dragged away.

            “I didn’t do anything!” he shouted.

            “Where are you taking him?”

            “To the holding cell, where his brother is, while the investigation is pending. We promise that-” Breonna stopped listening and became aware of the hopeless, crushing futility of the situation. The sorrow of her mother’s death swelled up in her like a tidal wave. Her chest was heaving, her face was burning, and she felt a madness mounting up into her throbbing temples.

            “You will all pay for this. Every single one of you bastards. My sons did nothing wrong. You hurt my son and refused to let me see him.”

            “M’am, since you’ve arrived you have showed nothing but hostility. We are doing our duty, we are trying our best to do our jobs and you-”

            “I’m going to contact my lawyer, Albert Garner. Ever heard of him? Yeah that’s right. And every single one of you will pay. Mark my words.” Michael heard this final statement as he was dragged into the back of the precinct. Breonna ran out of the precinct, to return to her apartment to find a phone, planning on waking up a neighbor if she couldn’t find one. 

            In the holding cell, Michael saw Jaqual laid out on a cot, motionless. He collapsed next to him on his knees, felt his pulse, and verified that he was breathing. But Jaqual was drooling and staring vacantly at the ceiling. Michael heard him faintly groan.

            “My brother needs medical attention! Come back here! He needs to be taken to the hospital! Come back!” Michael shouted until his lungs ached. Two police officers returned with their hands on their ears.

            “Stop screaming you-”

            “My brother’s not moving! I think he’s paralyzed. Why is he in a holding cell?! This is against the law. You have to take him to the hospital!” The two police officers gave each other discreet, knowing looks. There had been an argument amongst the police officers upon their arrival at the precinct whether or not to take Jaqual directly to the hospital. They had agreed to fill out the paperwork first, then to transport him to critical care. This was against typical procedure, but in the complications and subconscious guilt of creating a false story they had ignored Jaqual’s deteriorating condition, his paralyzed-state, in favor of constructing viable alibies. While lifting Jaqual out of the police vehicle and into the precinct they had made his broken spinal cord even worse.

            “He…he can’t move?” stuttered one of the police officers. Taking up the cue, the other continued.

            “He could move before.”

            “NO HE CAN’T MOVE. HE NEEDS TO BE TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL!”

            “All right, settle down kid, we’ll talk to our boss.” The police officers left and had a whispered, hurried discussion with Russel Shotski. They agreed that they should call an ambulance and transport Jaqual to the hospital immediately. Michael would stay in the cell until the morning.

            Meanwhile, back at her apartment, Breonna couldn’t find a cell phone. She desperately knocked on the door of her neighbor, waking them up, and told them the story of what had happened, and her need for a phone. They gave her a phone, telling her to seek medical attention because of her bloody face, and she typed in the personal cell number of Albert Garner, a family friend and criminal defense lawyer whose wife was also a judge. He picked up.

            “Who the hell is this?”

            “It’s Breonna. Albert I-”

            “Breonna why are you calling at this godforsaken hour. I-”

            “My boys are both in the 79th precinct. Michael thinks Jaqual was paralyzed by a police officer last night and they took my phone and-” She told Albert everything that happened. Within a minute Albert understood the gravity of the situation and jumped out of bed.

            “I can be at the 79th precinct in an hour. We’ll get your boys out, I promise. Can you meet me there?”

            “Yes.”

            “Don’t let them give you back your phone. Wait outside and don’t talk to any police officers. Don’t say a word.”

            “I won’t.” 

            At the 79th precinct the ambulance arrived and transported Jaqual to the hospital. While Jaqual’s body was being lifted off the cot, his limbs hanging limply in the police officer arms, Michael was restrained in the corner and shouting, “WHY WASN’T HE TAKEN DIRECTLY TO THE HOSPITAL?! YOU MIGHT HAVE KILLED HIM! YOU MIGHT HAVE PARALYZED HIM FOR LIFE!” Then he was released, shoved into the corner, and the holding cell door slammed shut.

            With Jaqual gone, the police officers had a worried discussion in the front office about what had happened. They had done a background check on Michael and Jaqual and discovered no previous offenses. Through a google search they learned of Michael’s exemplary school record and years of community service. They knew they had a major liability on their hands and wanted to fix the situation before the morning shift arrived and they’d have to explain to their chief what they’d done wrong. One of the police officers, who had been working in the precinct all night, suggested,

            “We should let Michael go and give back his mother’s phone. He doesn’t deserve to be locked up like that. His mother needs him. This could all come back to bite us.”

            “But he shot at police officers! Didn’t you see what’s written in the report? If we let him go it will look incompetent…and suspicious! What if he goes and finds his abandoned gun and comes back here and shoots us all up?”

            “His mother needs him. His brother might die. He’s not a threat, and every second we keep him here is an injustice. You know that and I know that.” The cops came to a compromise. They agreed to release him as long as he signed a convoluted document verifying what had happened: that him and his brother had resisted arrest, that Jaqual had attacked officer Chovin, and that a friend of theirs (who the police hadn’t seen) had shot at the police officers while Michael ran away. They changed their story from the original fabrication so that Michael could be released without charges, and so that Jaqual wouldn’t be charged if he left the hospital.

            Russel Shotski approached the holding cell with a pen and the document and saw Michael pacing the back of the room.

            “Michael…I know this is a traumatic…time for you. And that you’ve never been arrested before and aren’t familiar with how the law works. But I can tell you now, your best strategy will be to cooperate with us.” He paused and cleared his throat.

            “I want you know that I understand and that I’m deeply sorry about what has happened. But I’m here to help. And I want the best for you.” Michael glared at Russel. Behind Russel stood two police officers with tasers pointed at Michael’s chest.

            “Here is a document explaining what happened. It describes the encounter you had with the police officers, the confusion, and your brother’s injury. We are not pressing charges. My officers in the field experienced gunfire, and we have written that it wasn’t you or your brother, but an accomplice who they couldn’t see.”

            “That’s a lie.”

            “Let me finish. If you sign this document, you can go free right now. And we’ll give you your mother’s phone. You can go see your mother and your brother. No charges will be pressed and your record will remain clean. If you don’t sign, a criminal process will begin, you risk having a criminal record, and your scholarship to Columbia University will be revoked.” This was another lie, but the officers had found a newspaper article online on Michael’s accomplishments, and decided to blackmail him. Michael felt a lump in his throat. He couldn’t pay to attend Columbia without the scholarship, his whole future depended on it. He had aspired to attend Columbia since he was twelve.

            “Give me the document.” The statement was ten pages long and the police officers had attempted to fill it with as much legal jargon as they could. But in essence the document removed the guilt of the police officers and corroborated their story. If Michael signed, he was forfeiting him and his brother’s rights to press charges.

            Michael took his time reading the document and deciphering what was being implied. The cops didn’t know that he had dreamed of becoming a lawyer since he was ten years old, that his role model in life was his godfather, Albert Garner, one of the most successful criminal defense attorneys in Brooklyn. The previous summer Michael had interned three days a week in Albert’s office. He knew how to read legal forms. When he finished he looked up to see Russel leaning towards him with a pen. Michael spit on the front page of the packet and handed it back.

            “I’m not signing this bullshit. Go fuck yourself.” Russel frowned, took the packet, and closed the door.

            “Suit yourself, kid. If you change your mind, give us another yell.”

            In the front office, the police officers became more and more anxious about what to do with Michael and with the fact they had illegally confiscated Breonna’s phone. They knew the longer they kept him locked up, the more culpable they became. They knew of Albert Garner’s reputation for destroying the careers of police officers. Derek snuck into the back room and deleted the security tape footage of the officers’ confrontation with Breonna. In the end, after two hours of discussion, the precinct decided to release Michael. They could say in the report that they released him “soon after” he was imprisoned, once he had settled down from the misunderstanding. 

            At the same time of Michael’s release, Breonna Coleman was running frantically through the streets of Bedford-Stuyvesant back to the 79th precinct to meet Albert Garner. Breonna was a Type 1 diabetic and was experiencing dangerously-low blood sugar levels. She couldn’t afford health assurance and had been buying diabetic test strips on the black market. She had run out of strips and hadn’t tested herself for twelve hours. She was still dizzy from being elbowed in the face by Russel Shotski. She felt on the verge of passing out. 

            The sun was beginning to rise. Light glinted off of windows and the metal of parked cars. Denisha’s vision was blurry and she felt shaky, but she was determined to arrive at the precinct. She stumbled on the sidewalk, then caught herself and pressed on. 

            A minute before Denisha saw the 79th, Michael was released.

            “You’re free to go,” said Russel. “And here’s your mother’s phone.” Michael thought this was some kind of trap. He thought that the police officers would tase him and say he tried to escape. But he had to take this chance.

            Ten minutes prior here had been an argument amongst the officers in the front office. The police officers who hadn’t been with the men in the field threatened to snitch on the four culprits if Michael wasn’t let go with the phone. They blamed the four men for endangering the reputation of the precinct, and wanted to rid their hands of a model citizen, a promising young man, an innocent witness to police incompetence and brutality.

            Michael cautiously walked to the front doors, with all the officers watching him. He planned to sprint home to find his mother. Outside he turned right and saw Herbert Von King Park, where he used to play as child with Jaqual, playing tag in the field near the fenced-off area for dogs. Then he saw his mother running down Tompkins Avenue. The moment they saw one another, Breonna was overcome with a rush of relief and joy. She stumbled forward, and with a sob caught in her throat uttered, “My boy.” At the same time a car was speeding down Greene Avenue, driven by a man late for work. Breonna tripped in front of the car and was struck head-on. Michael saw the body of his mother get sucked beneath the wheels.

            The driver slammed on the breaks and jumped out. “Oh my god oh my god!” He saw the mangled body of Breonna, already bleeding, and with a trembling hand took out his phone to call an ambulance. Michael arrived at his mother’s body, glanced at the driver on the phone, then wept convulsively. The driver tried speaking to him, but Michael couldn’t hear a word past “I called an ambulance.” A part of Michael knew Breonna was on the edge of death, but another part of him refused to believe it. Her lungs were punctured and she was gasping for air. Blood seeped from her mouth.

            “Mom, I’m here, I’m here. An ambulance is coming. Hold on.”

            “Michael, my boy, my love.”

            “Please hold on, you can do this mom. I’m here.”

            “I’m dying, Michael.”

            “Mom, please. Don’t-”

            “Forgive them Michael, those who hate, for they know not what they do. Please, forgive them.”

            “Mom I love you. Don’t go.” Breonna Coleman tear-filled eyes became blank as her soul passed away, to join her mother. Michael wept on her chest, feeling the world spinning around him like a shipwreck in a whirlpool. His mother’s last words echoed in his thoughts: Forgive them. But Michael, in this moment where everything he loved was taken away, felt a force rise within him that obliterated reason, that began distorting his sanity. This force, which Michael could only attribute to the will of God, refused to forgive. My mother, my church, my community, has spent centuries forgiving, thought Michael. And where has that led us? To my grandmother dead, my mother dying in my arms, my younger brother in the hospital. More victims of police brutality. I have nothing left. The ambulance arrived and took Breonna away. Albert Garner arrived and embraced Michael, simultaneously shouting at the cops who had formed around the accident. Michael didn’t hear anything. He had entered another world, another existence, and let himself be pulled and pushed this way and that. Voices reached him like distant murmurs, images passed before his eyes like blurry photographs taken in motion. He was in a car. Then he was in a hospital. More people embraced him. More people consoled him. He nodded his head. But in the depths of his oblivion, his numb despair, the devasting force was gaining magnitude. He no longer had a life. His past was a pile of ashes that he observed from some kind of purgatory border, a desolate wasteland. All he knew was that he now had a purpose. A deep purpose engulfed in savage flames. And he knew this purpose would guide him until his death.

*

            Six weeks later Breonna Coleman and her mother’s wakes occurred simultaneously in a building next to Greater Free Gift Baptist Church. Jaqual had been released from the hospital; he was completely paralyzed and strapped into a mobile machine. He could only move his eyes.

            Support and condolences poured in from all over the world. A GoFundMe account had raised over $100,000 for Michael and his brother. Journalists had written stories. News anchors had looked disappointed on television. Michael had let Albert Garner take care of all the details.

            At the wake, where Breonna and her mother’s caskets lay, the room was full of flowers. A line out the door was over half a mile long. Many of the Concord Nursing Home residents journeyed to the wake to pay their respects. But they did not find their helpful boy with a charming smile. Their boy was gone. They found a completely different man who either ignored them or glanced up at them with eyes of steel.

            Michael was sitting in a chair between his mother and grandmother’s casket, reading a tattered copy of The Autobiography of Malcolm X. People tried to engage him in conversation, but he kept on reading.

            Relatives, including Albert Garner, looked at each other with sad concern, trying to convince each other to say something to the victim. Finally, a distant cousin named George Floyd put his hand on Michael’s shoulder.

            “I know you’ve been through a lot, brother, but quit ignoring everybody. It’s not right.” Michael calmly looked up and stared hard at his cousin. George unconsciously backed away.

            “You see this book, George? You know when I got this book?”

            “Course I don’t know Michael. But-”

            “You wouldn’t know. You weren’t there. My mother gave it to me as a birthday present when I was ten. It was just her, me, and Jaqual. She told me, ‘This is all I can get you for your birthday, Michael. There’s no money left for more presents. But you will learn in this book that money isn’t what makes a man, nor outward success, nor prizes, nor recognition. It’s character and purpose. Never forget that.’ I read it for the first time that night. It was the best birthday present I ever received.”

            George nodded and walked away. Michael stood up and put his hand on Jaqual’s shoulder, waiting for Jaqual’s eyes to find him. Jaqual’s pupils shifted and for a moment Michael remembered running with him when they were young, drawing lines on the pavement and racing each other. Jaqual would never run again. Nausea twisted in Michael’s stomach. 

            “I’ll be right back, brother.” Michael walked to the back of the room where he had seen his uncle Jamarcus leave out the back door.

            Jamarcus, who wore a black durag, a Notorious B.I.G. t-shirt, and baggy jeans, was smoking a cigarette and fidgeting against a wall.

            “Uncle Ja, can I talk with you alone for a minute?”

            “Speak.”

            “I know we haven’t been too close. You being incarcerated during most of my adolescence…”

            “Ain’t your fault brother.’

            “I know that but…but I was wondering if you could help me out.”

            “Anything.”

            “I always knew, through ma, that you had connections…” Jamarcus inhaled his cigarette and looked off into the distance.

            “Yeh I know people.”

            “I’m talking about dangerous, criminal connections. People who can get things like…assault weapons, explosives, body amour.”

            “Oh no fucking way. Not you Michael.”

            “Listen, hear me out.” Jamarcus looked over his shoulder and around the corner of the building.

            “Is this really the goddamn time? Look I’m not getting’ you none of that. You’re the best hope this family’s got. I messed my life up. But you still got yours.”

            “No Uncle Ja. I don’t.”

            “The answer’s no. End of discussion. I’m not bringing you into that underworld. You got money now. Al’s gonna bring those police bastards to court. Columbia will let you in. Practically the whole city’s on your side. Don’t throw it all away on revenge, on violence.” Michael’s eyes became like steel again, and Jamarcus felt the strength of his nephew’s conviction hit him like a fist.

            “I’m only going to say this once, Uncle Ja, because I need to get back to my mother and grannie’s caskets. But I am going to get a hold of weapons and explosives, one way or another. Nothing will stop me. I know some petty criminals in the neighborhood, and some of my shady classmates from high school, but I don’t trust them, and I’d rather not go through them. They know what’s happened and they’ll probably betray me. But if it’s the only option I have, I’ll take it. I’d rather go through you, through family, someone I can trust. It’s up to you.”

            “Jesus Christ, this isn’t the way…”

            “Isn’t the way?” Michal felt the force rise within his chest, and a rage consume his tortured spirit. “Yeah I got money. Yeah I can go to Columbia. Take classes with privileged, upper-class kids, hear privileged teachers drone on about what it will take to succeed in their system. Yeah I can go to law school, get a job, make more money, have people congratulate me on making it out. Play the goddamn game. But then what? Read about another innocent kid killed in the streets? Worry about my son going out at night? These crimes have been happening for centuries, Uncle Ja, and I’m sick and tired of it. My life doesn’t matter anymore. All that makes is that I get justice for my brother, my mother, and grannie, that I make the world finally understand.” Jamarcus had tears in his eyes. He sighed.

            “But your godfather’s gonna get justice for you. He’s already-”

            “No he won’t. Not enough. I’ve already talked with him. The police covered their backs. The police officer who paralyzed Jaqual will go free. The cop who locked me up will be able to get off. They have the system on their side, Uncle Ja, and we can’t win. The social contract they talk about it is broken. It’s time for us to make the rules. I don’t want pity. I don’t want charity. I want real change. And now I have an opportunity to make a real difference, not as a victim eating the scraps off the table of what they call the law, but as a man who’s going to show them that they can’t away with this anymore. Is it yes or no? I gotta get back.” Jamarcus, who had spent years dealing with the most hardened criminals, stared deep into his nephew’s eyes to see how serious he was. He couldn’t find a sliver of doubt.

            “All right. I’ll introduce you to someone you can trust…who can get you…what you want. Meet me at my crib tomorrow night.”

            “Thank you Uncle Ja. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Michael started to open the door.

            “Wait, before you go, what you gonna do? What’re you planning?” Michael turned and for the first time in six weeks, smiled. But it was a cruel smile that made Jamarcus wonder what his nephew had become.

            “I’m gonna burn this shit down.”

          

           

End of Part 1, Part 2 coming soon. Subscribe below to receive an email when Part 2 is released:

Confession of Meeting a Boring Murakami

            I met that elderly author, Haruki Murakami, in a small, Japanese-style town outside of Kyoto, some three years ago. He was boring or, more precisely, very boring, but I happened to spend a night in his company.

            I was travelling around in Japan, wherever the spirits or my Lonely Planet guide book led me, when I received an email from Murakami to meet for a beer. I knew from his books that Murakami likes beer. But why would he send an email to a nobody like me to meet for a drink? I had no idea.

            It was already past 8 p.m. when I arrived at the town and got off the train. Autumn was nearly over, the sun had long since set, and the place was enveloped in that dark-blue darkness particular to places where the sun has set. A cold, biting wind blew from somewhere, sending formless pieces of trash rustling along the street.

            I walked through the center of town in search of a place to stay, before meeting the famous author, but none of the decent inns would take in guests after the dinner hour had passed. I stopped at five or six places, but they all turned me down flat. Finally, in a deserted area outside town, I came across an inn that would take me. It was a desolate-looking, ramshackle place, almost a flophouse. It had seen a lot of years go by, but it had none of the quaint appeal you might expect in an old inn. Fittings here and there were ever so slightly slanted, as if slapdash repairs had been made that didn’t mesh with the rest of the place. I doubted it would make it through the next earthquake, and I could only hope that no temblor would hit while I was there.

            The inn didn’t serve dinner, but breakfast was included, and the rate for one night was incredibly cheap. Inside the entrance was a plain reception desk, behind which sat a completely hairless old man – devoid of even eyebrows – who took my payment for one night in advance. The lack of eyebrows made the old man’s largish eyes seem to glisten bizarrely, glaringly. On a cushion on the floor beside him, a big brown cat, equally ancient, was sacked out, sound asleep. Haruki would like that cat, I thought. He would probably write ten, boring pages about it. The cat was snoring loud. There was probably something wrong with it. Everything in this inn seemed to be falling apart.

            The room I was shown to was cramped, like the storage area where one keeps futon bedding; the ceiling light was dim, and the flooring under the tatami creaked ominously with each step. But it was too late to be particular. I told myself I should be happy to have a roof over my head, a futon to sleep on, and a famous author contacting me for god knows what.

            I put my one piece of luggage, a suitcase, down on the floor and set off back to town. (This wasn’t exactly the type of room I wanted to lounge around in, especially when I had an approaching rendezvous.) I went into a nearby soba-noodle shop and had a simple dinner. I didn’t want to have an empty stomach before drinking with Haruki, because I think he drinks like a fish. It was that soup or nothing, since there were no other restaurants open. I had a beer with the dinner, some bar snacks, and some hot soba. The soba was mediocre, the soup lukewarm, but again, I wasn’t about to complain. It beat going to bed later on just beer and vomiting in the morning, because who knows if Haruki would give me food. After I left the soba shop, I thought I’d buy some snacks and a small bottle of whisky to give to Haruki (he likes whiskey), but I couldn’t find a convenience store. It was after nine, and the only places open were the shooting-gallery game centers typically found in the town (according to my guide book). So I hoofed it to the address Murakami had sent me. Our rendezvous was for 9:37pm.

            Compared with the shabby neighborhood where I was staying, the area where Murakami wanted to meet was surprisingly wonderful. The homes, which looked like Buddhist temples, were spaced far apart, the streets were clean, and the atmosphere was quiet and peaceful.

            I was approaching a house when a man seemed to appear out of nowhere at my side. Was he hiding in the bushes? “Excuse me,” he said in a low voice. I was about to shout and run away, when I realized it was Haruki. He gazed intently at my face, his eyes narrowed, for all the world like an anthropologist studying an indigenous native of a long-lost tribe.

            “How is the thing?” he asked me.

            “Um, what thing?”

            “The thing.” I was embarrassed, so I replied,

            “It’s very nice. Thank you.” My voice reverberated densely, softly, in the night air. It sounded almost mythological, not like my own voice but, rather, like an echo from the past returning from deep in the forest. And that echo was…hold on a second. What was Murakami doing here on the street? Why wouldn’t he wait for me inside his home?

            “Shall I help you become a better writer?” he asked, his voice still low. He had the clear, alluring voice of a baritone in a doo-wop group. But nothing was odd about his voice: if you closed your eyes and listened, you’d think it was an ordinary person speaking.

            “Yes, thanks,” I replied. It wasn’t as if I’d been waiting all my life hoping that Murakami would give me writing advice, but if I turned him down I was afraid he might not invite me inside for a beer. I figured it was a kind offer on his part, and I certainly didn’t want to hurt his feelings. So I nodded and added, “Please, help me write, as…as good as you,” and followed him into his yard then his house.

            There was no furniture inside the house except a refrigerator in the center of a big room. Haruki opened it and gave me a beer.

            “It’s got very cold these days, hasn’t it?”

            “That it has.”

            “Before long this place will be covered in snow. And then they’ll have to shovel snow from the roofs, which is no easy task, believe me.”

            There was a brief pause, and I jumped in. “So how do you write so many books that are so interesting?”

            “I just do it,” Haruki replied briskly. He probably often received questions like this and was annoyed with them. “I started writing at the age of twenty-nine, because I felt like it, and before I knew it I was selling millions of books and winning awards. I lived for quite a long time without writing, around Tokyo, working in a coffee house and a jazz bar.

            “What part of Tokyo?”

            “Kokubunji.”

            “That’s a nice area.”

            “Yes, it is a pleasant residential area with excellent transportation links. There are many parks and it is a popular location for young families.”

            Our conversation paused at this point. Haruki continued drinking his beer (I did too) and all the while I tried to puzzle things out rationally. Why was I here? Why did he invite me? Did he want something? How did he even think to contact me? This was Haruki Murakami, for goodness’ sake. 

            “I grew up in America,” I said, a basically meaningless statement.

            “I know. Americans buy millions of my books. I like that,” he said in a friendly tone.

            “What else did you think of Kokubunji when you lived there?”

            “Well, even though it is a nice place to raise a family, my wife and I decided not to have children.” This wasn’t really the answer to my question. 

            “You wanted to dedicate everything to literature?” He frowned.

            “No. We made this decision before I started writing.”

            “Oh.”

            “I like music though. Especially classical music you’ve never heard of. I’m very cultured and refined.” I decided to continue with this topic of conversation, because I knew from Murakami’s books that he was always name-dropping classical songs and writing boring pages about his opinions on composers.

            “Like who?”

            “Bruckner and Richard Strauss.”

            “You enjoy Bruckner. I often listen to Bruckner!” (I’d never heard of him.)

            “Yes. His Seventh Symphony. I always find the third movement particularly uplifting.”

            “I…um…often listen to his Ninth Symphony,” I chimed in. (I hoped Brucker wrote at least that many.)

            “Yes, that’s truly lovely music,” (Phew.)

            “So why didn’t you have any children?”

            “I am a very patient person, a person who values order and regularity above all, so no kids for me. Kids are chaos. I am a serious person whose favorite saying is that the repetition of accurate facts is the true road to wisdom. My wife is a quiet, sweet person, always kind to me. We get along well, and I hesitate to mention this to a stranger like you, but, believe me, my nighttime activities can be quite intense.”

            “Really,” I said.

            Haruki started to walk out of the room. “Thanks for your patience and for visiting me,” he said, and bowed his head. I thought his polite gratitude very Japanese.

            “Thank you,” I said. “What you said just now was…good. So, do you live in this house?”

            “I do. Sometimes. I sleep on the floor in the other room. The neighbors are kind and leave me alone. I can’t live in cities anymore. Too much attention. Here, the people don’t care if I’m a famous writer or not. They let me work and drink my beer without taking photographs.” I knew Haruki was known for being a recluse (in Japan), among other things.

            “Have you been working and drinking here for a long time?” I asked.

            “It’s been about thirteen years, off and on.”

            “But you must have gone through all sorts of things before you arrived here.”

            Haruki gave a quick nod. “Very true.”

            I hesitated, but then came out and asked him, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me why I’m here? Why you invited me?”

            Haruki considered this, and then said, “Yes, you are right to ask me that. It might not be as interesting as you expect, but I’d prefer to tell you later tonight, at a different location. Would that be convenient?”

            “Certainly,” I replied. “I’d be grateful if we also drank beer then.” (It would make his boring conversation more enjoyable.)

            “Understood. Some cold beers it is. Would Sapporo be all right?” I knew there was Sapporo at my inn.

            “That would be fine. So you like beer?”

            “A little bit, yes.”

            “Then please bring two large bottles.”

            “Of course. If I understand correctly, you are staying in the Araiso Suite, on the second floor? Let’s drink there.” This scared me a bit.

            “Ah, that’s right.”

            “It’s a little strange, though, don’t you think?” Haruki said. I thought he was going to explain how he knew where I was staying, but I was wrong. “An inn in the mountains with a room named araiso – ‘rugged shore.’” He chuckled. I’d never in my life thought I’d hear Haruki Murakami chuckle. But I guess famous authors do laugh, and even cry, at times. It shouldn’t have surprised me, given that famous authors are human too.

            “By the way, should I call you Haruki, or Mr. Murakami?”

            “Just call me friend.”

            Haruki finished his beer, put the bottle in the fridge, turned, and gave a polite bow, then walked deeper into the house and disappeared.

            It was a little past eleven when Haruki came to the Araiso Suite, bearing a tray with two large bottles of beer. I assumed he had got them from downstairs. In addition to the beer, the tray held a bottle opener, two glasses, and some snacks: dried seasoned squid and a bag of kakipi– rice crackers with peanuts. Typical bar snacks. This was one author who knew how to throw a party!

            Haruki was dressed in a peculiar way: gray sweatpants and a thick, long-sleeved shirt with “I <3 NY” printed on it, probably some kid’s hand-me-downs. Weird.

            There was no table in the room, so we sat, side by side, on some thin zabuton cushions, and leaned back against the wall. Haruki used the opener to pop the cap off one of the beers and poured our two glasses. Silently we clinked our glasses together in a little toast.

            “Thanks for the drinks,” Haruki said, and happily gulped the cold beer. I thought this was odd to say, since he brought the beer, but I went with it. Maybe he had charged them to my room? I drank some as well. Honestly, it felt strange to be seated next to Haruki Murakami, sharing a beer, but I guess you get used to it.

            “A beer after work can’t be beat,” said Haruki, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “But, for a famous author, the opportunities to have a beer with a nobody-writer like you are few and far between, believe it or not.”

            “How often do you contact nobody-writers like me?”

            “Once every couple of years.”

            “Oh.”

            Haruki had finished his first glass, so I poured him another.

            “Much obliged,” he said politely.

            “Where is your wife right now?” I asked.

            “She’s with…a friend,” Haruki answered, his face clouding over slightly. The wrinkles beside his eyes formed deep folds. “Whenever she wants to meet with a friend, go on trips or vacations with him, I contact nobody-writers who I discover on the internet. I don’t have friends. For years I thought I could live peaceably without friends, but that didn’t work. People were kind to me, but I just couldn’t connect with them, I just couldn’t express my feelings well to them. We had little in common, and communication wasn’t easy. ‘You talk funny,’ they told me, ‘You’re so boring,’ and they sort of mocked and bullied me. Women would giggle when they looked at me. I am extremely sensitive, as you probably know from my best-selling books. Women found the way I acted comical, and it annoyed them, irritated them sometimes. It got harder for me to be around people, so eventually I went off on my own. But I needed connection, so I started contacting random bloggers to meet me for a drink.”

            “It must have been lonely for you, before contacting nobody-writers.”

            “Indeed it was. I had to emotionally-survive on my own when my wife was busy or traveling. But the worse thing was not having anyone to communicate with. I couldn’t talk with people. Isolation like that is heartrending. The world is full of humans, but I couldn’t start up a conversation with whomever I happened to come across. Do that and there’d be hell to pay. The upshot was that I wound up sort of neither here nor there, not part of the common herd, nor part of the literary elite. It was a harrowing existence.” (Boring, I thought, Time to change the subject.)

            “And you didn’t know about Bruckner, then.”

            “True. That’s part of my life now,” Haruki said, and drank some more beer. I studied his face. It was red, so I assumed he was drunk. I had figured Haruki could hold his liquor, but I guess I was wrong. Or maybe Haruki’s face turned red whenever he was drinking, no matter what the quantity.

            “The other thing that tormented me, before I married, was my relations with females.”

            “I see,” I said. “And by ‘relations’ with females you mean – ?”

            “In short, I didn’t feel a speck of sexual desire for women. I had a lot of opportunities to be physical with them, but never really felt like it. I guess I regret not doing anything.”

            “So women didn’t turn you on, even though you liked them?”


            “Yes. That’s exactly right. It’s embarrassing, but, honestly, I could only be sexually attracted to a woman I loved. And I’ve only ever loved my wife.”

            I was silent and drained my glass of beer. I opened the bag of crunchy snacks and grabbed a handful. “That could lead to some real complications, I would think.”

            “Yes, real complications, indeed. Me being a sensitive and shy, there was no way I could expect women to understand my complicated desire. Plus, it runs counter to culture, where young men are supposed to have relations with many women, ‘sow their wild oats,’ they say.”

            I waited for the beer to make his conversation less boring. Haruki rubbed hard behind his ear and continued.

            “And now…” He squinted his eyes. “So I found another method of dealing with my complex desire.”

            “What do you mean by ‘another method.’”

            Haruki frowned deeply. His red face turned a bit darker.

            “You may not believe me,” Haruki said. “You probably won’t believe me, I should say. But, from a certain point, after I was married, I started using the experiences I had with women from my past, combined with the feelings I have for my wife, to create literature.”

            “How?”

            “I seem to have been born with a special talent for it. I can write from memory, add in dream-live, abstract elements, and people like it.”

            A wave of confusion hit me. Haruki wasn’t making any sense.

            “I’m not sure I get it,” I said. “When you say you mix your memories with dream-like elements, does that mean your stories aren’t supposed to have any meaning?”

            “No. They don’t lose their meaning. I write about my past, a fragment. But when I mix in a dream-like element it becomes less substantial, lighter than before. So I can go deeper in the memory despite the pain. Like when the sun clouds over and your shadow on the ground gets that much paler. And, depending on the memory, I become less aware of the loss. The pain transforms into a sense that something’s a little off, but also bearable.”

            “But do the women you write about know what you’re doing? That you are using their past for your literature?”

            “Yes, of course, some of them do. But most of the time the women have forgotten me. Quite a shock to the ego, as you might imagine. And when they read my stories, if they even do, they may not even recognize the character as themselves. In some cases, they suffer through something close to an identity crisis, one of them told me. And it’s all my fault, since I took the experience I had with them and turned it into literature. I feel very sorry about that. I often feel the weight of a guilty conscious bearing down on me. I know it’s wrong, yet I can’t stop myself. I’m not trying to excuse my actions, but my dopamine levels force me to do it. Like there’s a voice telling me, “Hey, go ahead, write that senseless dream sequence mixed with your past with a woman. It’s not illegal or anything, and millions of people will buy your books anyway.”

            I folded my arms and studied the famous author. Dopamine? Finally, I spoke up. “And the women you write about, they are the ones you had intimate experiences with but never loved. Do I have that right?”

            “Exactly.”

            “How many women?”

            With a serious expression, Haruki totaled it up on his fingers. As he counted, he was muttering something. He looked up. “Seven in all. I have been intimately involved with seven women before my wife.”

            Was this a lot, or not so many? Who could say?

            “So how do you do it?” I asked, “Combine your past experiences with dream-like elements?”

            “It’s mostly by will power. Power of concentration, psychic energy. But that’s not enough. I need to meet with a nobody-writer to talk about what I do, before I can actually do it. Communication is the path to understanding. Because we, you and I, have no connection to each other, I can talk freely. I’m pretty skilled at talking freely about my writing.”

            “So when you need inspiration you contact a nobody-writer on the internet?

            “Precisely. I stumbled upon your blog by chance, and since I’m working on a story now and my wife is with her…friend, I sent you an email. Now I can go back to writing.”

            “So that’s it? You’re using me for literature?”

            Haruki nodded sharply. “I know it sounds lowly, but I never do anything unseemly. You won’t be in my books explicitly. I agree it’s a bit strange, but it’s also a completely pure, platonic act. I simply have a beer with a stranger, secretly, talk and talk, and it helps me write. For me, this experience is like a gentle breeze wafting over a meadow.”

            “Hmm,” I said, dreadfully bored. “I guess you could even call your complex desire, your past inability to feel sexual attraction without loving a woman, the ultimate form of romantic love.”

            “Agreed. But it’s also the ultimate form of loneliness (Here we go again, I thought. Murakami and his goddamn loneliness). Like two sides of a coin. The two extremes are stuck together and can never be separated.”

            Our conversation came to a halt here, and Haruki and I silently drank our beer, snacking on the kakipi and the dried squid.

            “Have you written about a woman from your past recently?” I asked.

            Haruki shook his head. He grabbed some hair on his head, as if making sure that he still had hair. “No, I haven’t written about a woman from my past recently. Soon, though. That’s why I contacted you. Thanks to this encounter, I have found a measure of clarity and peace. I will be able to write about the woman now, one of the seven women in my heart.”

            “I’m glad to hear it,” I lied.

            “I know this is quite forward of me, but I was wondering if you’d be kind enough to allow me to give my opinion on the subject of love.” Oh god no. Could he get any more boring? I saw that there was still some beer. I nodded my head and began chugging.

            “I believe that love is indispensable fuel for us to go on living. Someday that love may end. Or it may never amount to anything. But even if love fades away, even if it’s unrequited, you can still hold on to the memory of having loved someone, of having fallen in love with someone. And that’s a valuable source of warmth. Without that heat source, a person’ heart – including my heart – would turn into a bitterly cold, barren wasteland. A place where not a ray of sunlight falls, where the wildflowers of peace, the trees of hope, have no chance to grow.” He seemed to be reciting something he had recently written, or was about to write. “Here in my heart, I treasure the names of those seven women I tried to love, but failed, or can’t love anymore.” Haruki laid a palm on his chest. “I plan to use these memories, along with random encounters such as this one, as my own little fuel source to burn on cold nights, to keep me warm as I live on what’s left of my own little life.”

            Haruki chuckled again, and lightly shook his head a few times.

            “That’s a strange way of putting it, isn’t it?” he said, “Little life. Given that I’m a famous author, with supposedly a big life. Hee hee!”

            It was past midnight when we finally finished drinking the two large bottles of beer. “I should be going,” Haruki said. “I got to feeling so good I ran off at the mouth, I’m afraid. My apologies.”

            “No, I didn’t mind,” I lied. At least he was conscious of how much he been blabbering on. But I mean, sharing beer and chatting with a famous author was a pretty unusual experience in and of itself. I should be more thankful. Add to that the fact that this famous author contacted me randomly online, loved name-dropping classical composers, and writes about the same, seven women from his past because he had intimate experiences with them (but didn’t love them). 

            As we said goodbye, I handed Haruki a small bottle of whiskey that I had stolen from the closed-down bar when I arrived back at the inn. “It’s not much,” I said, “but please enjoy this whiskey.”

            At first Haruki refused, but I insisted and he finally accepted it. He put the bottle in the pocket of his sweatpants.

            “It’s very kind of you,” he said. “You’ve listened to my absurd life story and writing process, treated me to beer, and now this generous gesture.” (But it was him who brought the beer, maybe he was drunk, or maybe he did charge my room.) “I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.”

            Haruki put the empty beer bottles and glasses on the tray and carried it out of the room.

            The next morning, I checked out of the inn and went to Tokyo. At the front desk, the creepy old man with no hair or eyebrows was nowhere to be seen, nor was the aged cat who snored loudly. Instead, there was a fat, surly middle-aged woman, and when I said I’d like to pay the additional charges for last night’s bottles of beer (I assumed Haruki had charged them to my room, since he kept thanking me for the beer), she said, emphatically, that there were no incidental charges on my bill. “All we have here is canned beer from the vending machine,” she insisted. “We never provide bottled beer.”

            Once again I was confused. I felt as though bits of reality and unreality were randomly changing places. Nonetheless, how kind of Murakami to buy me beer!

            I was going to bring up Haruki Murakami with the middle-aged woman, but decided against it. Maybe Haruki didn’t actually visit me, maybe the man was an imposter, and it had all been an illusion, the product of a lonely, Japanese man who looked just like Murakami preying on nobody-writers like me. Or maybe what I saw was a strange, realistic dream (thinking about Murakami so much has really made my thoughts more dream-like). If I came out with something like, “Last night the famous author Haruki Murakami visited me in my room,” things might go sideways, and, worst-case scenario, she’d think I was insane. Chances were that Murakami was a town secret, and the inn couldn’t acknowledge him publicly for fear of him moving away or getting angry.

            On the train ride to Tokyo, I mentally replayed everything Haruki Murakami told me. I jotted down the details, as best I could remember, in a notebook that I used for work, thinking that when I got back to Tokyo I’d write the whole thing as a blog post from start to finish.

            If Haruki Murakami actually met me– and that was the only way I could see it – I wasn’t at all sure how much I should accept of what he had told me over beer. It was hard to judge his story fairly. Was it really possible that he used his experiences from women in the past to write literature? Were the dream-like elements in his stories just cheap, easy ways to cope with his memories and pain? Maybe Haruki was a pathological liar. Who could say? Naturally, there are numerous famous authors with mythomania, but, if Murakami harnessed his sickness to sell millions of books, who cares if he is a habitual liar who bizarrely contacts nobody-writers for a beer and to hear himself talk?

            I’d encountered thousands of people working as a bartender in New York City during my twenties, and had become pretty good at sniffing out who could be believed and who couldn’t. A bullshit detector, you can call it. When someone talks for a while, you can pick up certain subtle hinds and signals and get an intuitive sense of whether or not the person is believable. And I just didn’t get the feeling that what Haruki was telling me was made-up bullshit. Then again, he also worked in a restaurant for years, so maybe he had developed a way to skillfully bullshit gullible people, undetected. But the look in his eyes and his expression, the way he pondered things every once in a while, his pauses, gestures, the way he’d get stuck for words – despite being boring, nothing about it seemed artificial or forced. And, above all, there was the total, even painful honesty of his confession.

            My relaxed solo journey over, I returned to the whirlwind routine of ex-pat life in a city. Even when I don’t have any major work-related assignments, somehow, as I get older, I find myself busier than ever. And time seems to steadily speed up. In the end I never told anyone about meeting Haruki Murakami, or wrote anything about him. Why try if no one would believe me? Unless I could provide proof – proof, that is, that Haruki contacted other nobody-writers for beer – people would just say that I was “making stuff up again.” And if I wrote about him as fiction the story would lack a clear focus or point, and look like I was just complaining about his writing being so boring, and not understanding why so many readers praise and read his books, when I find them achingly dull. I could well imagine a reader of my blog looking puzzled while reading my post, saying to themselves, “I hesitate to ask, since you’re the author of this post, but what is the theme of this story supposed to be?”

            Theme? Can’t say there is one. It’s just a confession about an old, famous writer who pumps out boring books and asks nobody-writers to meet him for beer in a tiny town outside Kyoto, who feels nostalgia for the women he had intimate experiences with but never loved. Where’s the theme in that? Or the moral?

            And, as time passed, the memory of my Murakami encounter began to fade. No matter how vivid memories may be, they can’t conquer time.

            But now, three years later, I’ve decided to write about it, based on notes I scribbled down back then. All because something happened recently that got me thinking. If that incident hadn’t taken place, I might well not be writing this.

            I had a journalism networking event in the coffee lounge of hotel in Akasaka. Near the end of the event I was talking to an old woman, the editor of a travel magazine. Despite being old, she was attractive: long hair, a lovely complexion, and large, fetching eyes. She was one of those passionate, energetic, ageless humans, who still have sexual appeal even when they’re elderly. She was an able editor. And still single. I think she wanted to sleep with me. We’d worked together quite a few times, and got along well. We sat in a corner and chatted over coffee for a while.

            Her cell phone rang and she looked at me apologetically. I motioned to her to take the call. She checked the incoming number and answered it. It seemed to be someone important. She talked for a while in Japanese, checking her pocket planner, and then shot me a mischievous look.

            “It’s Haruki Murakami,” she said to me in an excited voice, her hand covering the phone. “We used to date a lifetime ago.”

            I gasped, but, as casually as I could, I took a sip of coffee. She nodded and relayed information to the famous author on the other end of the line. Then she hung up and giggled.

            “We dated when we were teenagers.”

            “Does he call you often?” I asked.

            She seemed to hesitate, but finally nodded. “Yes, it’s happening a lot these days. I don’t know why.”

            “Does he miss you?”

            She shook her head decisively. “No, not at all. We’ve always been on platonic terms since we broke up. He loves his wife. He’s faithful. But sometimes we meet up in secret. I’ve never been able to figure him out. When we were together, he was so distant. After, when we became sort-of friends, there was this animal hunger about him. As if he desperately wanted to get closer, but just couldn’t. Maybe I’m crazy.”

            “No, I don’t think you are.”

            She squinted and thought more about it. “About half a year ago, I think, I remember I went to visit a cherry blossom orchard, near where I grew up. It was the place where Haruki and I first kissed. When I arrived he was there, wandering around the trees, with tears on his cheeks. He didn’t see me. I was so scared when I saw him, I ran away.”

            “This might be an odd thing to ask, but, when you’ve read his books, did you ever notice that some of the characters were based off of you?”

            She pursed her lips, then smiled. “I’ve never read his books. I’ve tried, but I just can’t. They are all so boring. Banal. He writes for the masses, particularly the western masses. We have a word for what he writes, in Japanese: batakusai, which means “stinking of butter.” His writing is a mish-mash of katakana and hiragana, using borrowed western terms, and his stories have no point.” 

            She took a sip of coffee. I waited for her to go on.

            “It’s a shame that he’s become the face of Japan to many westerners. He’s not really Japanese. Did you know that he says he found his voice by writing the first pages of first novel in English – then translating them into Japanese? As he gets older, his readers get younger. He’s a commercial writer, a sell-out. Not real literature.”

            I sighed quietly, but said nothing.

            “I sound like I’m bitter, right? It’s just that I’ve tried all my life to create beautiful, Japanese prose. I remember when Haruki and I were dating we talked about books all the time, about beautiful books and beautiful prose. Now he churns out vague, stinking butter.”

            “When’s the last time you met him in person?”

            “A few years ago. I forgot exactly when. It was in a small town outside of Kyoto.”

            I quickly shook my head. I wondered if I should bring up the story of my meeting with Murakami in a small town of outside of Kyoto, three years ago.

            “Hmm.”

            She looked suspicious. I knew it was risky, but there was one more vital question I had to ask.

            “What did you talk about?”

            “He told me he had just met with an American writer and was feeling inspired.”

            “Inspired?” 

            She shook her head. “Yeah, but the conversation was boring, as usual, I don’t remember anything else. He talked a lot.”

            Did Murakami meet her soon after our meeting? Maybe even the day after? Did he actually use my experience with him, then his experience with her, to write another boring book? Or was I making this all up in my head, and going crazy?

            I really didn’t want to think that Murakami was writing book after book using experiences with women from his past and nobody-writers. But he told me, quite matter-of-factly, that having seven women from his past was plenty of enough material, and that he was satisfied simply living out his remaining years quietly, occasionally vising that little town. And he’d seemed to mean it. But maybe Haruki had a chronic psychological condition, one that reason alone couldn’t hold in check. And maybe his illness, and his dopamine, were urging him to just do it! And perhaps all that had brought him to contact old girlfriends and nobody-writers, a pernicious habit.

            Maybe I’ll try it myself sometime. On sleepless nights, that random, fanciful thought sometimes comes to me. I’ll take a memory of a woman who I used to be with, focus on it like laser, contact a nobody-writer, then use a conversation about the process to pull dream-like, abstract literature out of me. What would that feel like? Could I also sell millions of books?

            No. That’ll never happen. I’ve never been skillful at weaving vague, dream-like paragraphs that have no sense but exude a bizarre atmosphere that tickles the fancy of western, literary critics. And I don’t care about the women from my past. Even if I could do that, readers would think I was just copying Murakami, because he did it first.

            Extreme love, extreme loneliness. The time-worn tropes. Even since I met Murakami, whenever I hear someone name-drop a classical composer who I’ve never heard of then spend ten minutes praising a symphony, I think of him. I picture the elderly, famous writer in that tiny, decrepit town, jumping out of the bushes, asking me “How is the thing?” And I think of the snacks – the kakipi and the dried squid – that I consumed as we drank beer together, propped up against the wall, while Haruki droned on and on.            

            I haven’t seen the beautiful, elderly travel-magazine editor since then, so I have no idea what fate befell her after that, or if she’s dead. I hope she never learned that Murakami uses their past experiences together for literature. She was blameless, after all. Nothing was her fault. I do feel bad for her, but I still can’t bring myself to tell her, if she’s still alive, about what Murakami is doing. Then again, she probably wouldn’t care, anyway, since she doesn’t read his boring books and calls them stinking butter.      

      

Subscribe below

What is Lost in Translation?

(A Brief Analysis of Two English Translations of the Opening Paragraph of Heinrich Von Kleist’s Michael Kohlhaas)

            A few months ago I was introduced by the love of my life to the German writer, Heinrich Von Kleist. I immediately became obsessed with his work. I read everything he wrote, including a biography and all his letters, and I consider him a literary friend who will always be there for me from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death gives me the chance to schedule a rendez-vous with him in hell.

            But I was lucky. I had encountered a magnificent translation of Kleist’s work by David Luke. You can read all about David Luke and his life in this Independent article. But here’s an excerpt:

           “His [Luke] verse translations all render into English not only the sense of the original with meticulous accuracy but make as close an approximation as is possible to the verse forms of the German, of which there are a huge range, even within Faust. All are remarkable achievements; the very best of them succeed magnificently in conveying the great beauty of the German language in the hands of the finest writers. For decades, reviewer after reviewer (including poets such as Stephen Spender and D.J. Enright), praised David Luke’s acutely sensitive ear and his tremendous linguistic dexterity. In 2000 the German-British Forum presented him with a medal in honour of his contribution to cultural understanding between the two nations.”

            I became so obsessed with Kleist that after finishing his masterpiece, Michael Kohlhaas, for the third time, I ordered a hard copy of the book on Amazon, to give my burning retinas a rest and to have a physical child I could actually hold. When the book arrived in the mail my hands were trembling. I tore open the package, jumped on to the coach to go for ride, and began reading…

            And while reading the first paragraph I was filled with a rising, sickening sense of revulsion. In my hands was a different book. This was not Kleist. This was not Michael Kohlhaas. After three pages, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was reading garbage, an airport novel full of clichés and detectives; a shit book with a hack title like: Jack Knish Hunts For Redemption. I threw the book across the room and stormed out of my apartment. I collapsed in the middle of the street, cars honking and speeding by (Qu’est-ce que vous faites, connard !), and wept bitter tears at the horrible mediocrity that pervades so much of this finite and imperfect world…

            A few days later I began to wonder why I had felt such disgust reading Frances A. King’s translation of Kleist. What was it about the translation? So I began to compare King’s translation with Luke’s translation. Below is what I discovered and the conclusions that I’ve made concerning the art of translation.

            To be a great translator, you must keep three ideas in your head at all times while translating a work:

  1. Who was the writer? 

Who was Henrich Von Kleist? The answer is complex, of course, but there are some adjectives we can use: intense, tortured, curious, adventuresome, lonely, hyper-sensitive, extremely intelligent, and wild. His first tutor described him as having a “mind of undampened fire.” Kleist was known for having shattering episodes of depression. His heart had been broken by his first love. His parents were dead before he was 15. He was a prisoner of war. His only remaining family (sister) abandoned him. He felt like he should have been living in another period of human history. He loved to travel, but he also desired to settle down in the wilderness and write. He committed suicide with a lover (or perhaps a close friend, biographers aren’t certain, Kleist was mysterious) at age 34. All these details and parts of his personality must be kept in mind as the translator engages in word choice, the rhythm of phrases, and the expression of complex ideas.

2.) In what period of human history was the writer working in?

Kleist was writing at the end of the 1700s and the beginning of the 1800s. He was a contemporary of Goethe. Goethe expressed horror and disgust after reading Kleist’s prose, calling Kleist’s writing “diseased” because it showed “the unlovely and frightening in Nature.” He condemned the violence of Kleist’s theories and for finding life “a labyrinth to which reason, faith and feeling were uncertain guides.” Kleist was writing during the romantic period of literature in Germany. Enlightenment ideas were on the rise (rationality, objectivity, reform movements, etc.). In 1793, the execution of the French king and the onset of The Terror disillusioned the Bildungsbürgertum (Prussian middle classes). Around 1800 the Catholic monasteries, which had large land holdings, were nationalized and sold off by the government. Europe was racked by two decades of war. All these events and more must be known by the translator so they can have a sense of the writer’s setting. But a great translator must also read other books written during the same time period (and their best translations), to get a sense of what words and phrases are being chosen.

3.) What is the context of the story itself? Who are the characters and what do they stand for?

Michael Kohlhaas is based on the 16thcentury story of Hans Kohlhase (a merchant whose grievance against a Saxon nobleman developed into a full-blown feud against the state of Saxony, thus infringing the Eternal Peace of 1495). Kohlaas himself was tough, rugged, fair, and strong. Here is a trailer for a movie made about Michael Kohlaas, released in 2013, to give you an idea:

Again, the time period (16thcentury) must dictate word choice, and the characters and the plot (which in this case contain violence and a wild, powerful quest for vengeance and justice) must determine how the translation is rendered.

            I could write 100 pages meticulously dissecting both translations. But I won’t waste your time. Here is just the first paragraph of the great translation by Luke with the shit translation [King] in parenthesis. Analysis and justification below. 

            About the middle of the sixteen century there lived beside the banks of the River Havel a horse-dealer called Michael Kohlhaas, the son of a schoolmaster, who was one of the most honorable/[upright] as well as one of the most terrible men of his age. Until his thirtieth year this extraordinary man could have been considered a paragon of civil virtues/[model of a good citizen]. In a village that still bears his name he owned a farm where he peacefully earned a living by his trade/[quietly supported himself by plying his trade]; his wife bore him/[presented him] children who he brought up in the fear of God to be hardworking [industrious] and honest; he had not one neighbor who was not indebted to his generosity or his fair-mindedness/[nor was there one among his neighbors who had not enjoyed the benefit of his kindness or his justice]; in short, the world would have had cause to revere his memory, had he not pursed one of his virtues to excess. But his sense of justice made him a robber and a murderer./[In short, the world would have had every reason to bless his memory if he had not carried to excess one virtue – his sense of justice, which made him a robber and a murderer.

  1. Honorable as an adjective is a 100x better than upright. The word is stronger, fits the century, and connects with a theme of the story and with Kohlhass’ character (honor). Upright evokes somebody trying to fix their posture, and is physical and limited rather than epic and spiritual.
  • A paragon of civil virtues also has an epic quality, subtly revealing the power of Kohlhass, and the sound of “civil virtues” is pleasing to hear in English. Model of a good citizen is bland and weak, a product of the 20thcentury, and makes one think of “doing their small part” for society as they recycle, vote, and follow the rules. 
  • Peacefully earned a living by his trade evokes the image of a someone working hard in peace. The verb “to earn” is powerful and implies independence and pride. Quietly supporting himself by plying his trade implies that “himself” needs to be supported and that he is meek. Michael Kohlhass could survive any obstacle and doesn’t need, in a sense, to support himself. On the other hand, he is intensely “living” and desires “peace.” And the verb plying, is extremely weak, sounding close to playing and being synonymous with handling, using, operating, and feeling.
  • His wife bore children is 1000x better than his wife presented him children. To verb, “bore” is raw and suggests how difficult and painful the act of childbirth is, especially during the late 1700s. What does “present children” to Kohlhass even mean? It evokes an image of a woman nonchalantly putting children on a table as a gift and saying, “Here they are!”
  • Hardworking and honest is a pleasing alliteration. Industrious and honest are two words that rhyme, and intense prose shouldn’t rhyme (because it jars the ear and flow if it’s unintended). In addition, children aren’t taught to be specifically industrious, like machines or employees, they are taught to be hardworking, a subtle difference but all these differences add up.
  • “Not one neighbor who was not indebted to his generosity or his fair-mindedness,” reveals that Kohlhass had a respected and revered place in the community. They were indebted to him. Compare this to: “Nor was there one among his neighbors who had not enjoyed the benefit of his kindness or his justice,” puts the emphasis on neighbors enjoying Kohlass as if he was an entertainer. Kohlass was not an entertainer. And the sentence clumsily uses the word justice, tacked on at the end. Justice is the most important theme in this story, and it shouldn’t be used lightly, as it is in King’s crap translation.
  • Lastly, and most importantly, Luke breaks up the last idea into two sentences: as Kleist does in the original German. Luke writes, “in short, the world would have had cause to revere his memory, had he not pursed one of his virtues to excess. But his sense of justice made him a robber and a murderer.” Making the last idea two sentences adds force and power to the second sentence: his sense of justice making him a robber and murderer. It punches the reader in the gut and makes them want to keep on reading. Compare this to King’s run-on, choppy sentence: “In short, the world would have had every reason to bless his memory if he had not carried to excess one virtue – his sense of justice, which made him a robber and a murderer.” It’s as if the last idea were just tacked on at the end haphazardly, “oh yeah, Kohlhass also became a robber and a murderer.” The phrase, “the world would have every reason to bless his memory” is also stupid and sloppy. Why focus on the world in this sentence, when the story of Kohlhass is him against the world (as Kleist was against his world). Why use the verb “to bless” which evokes religion and the image of a priest calmly leaning over a pious worshiper. The world did not consider blessing Kohlass’ memory. The world either hated or revered him: a divided intensity that Kleist lived by.

Conclusion: If I had encountered King’s translation first instead of Luke’s I might never have befriended Kleist. How many times has this happened before with other translations? It’s better not to think of this question.

      If you get one thing out of this essay, I hope it is that you should read Michael Kohlhass as soon as you can. But please read David Luke’s translation. I believe it’s better.

Subscribe below: